An Upside Down StoryWritten by the members of pjeoq a6essaw
There once lived a queen, whose upside down kingdom included a great many subjects who often forgot to log in. Fortunately, Queen Umop was very benevolent and never yelled "Off with much merriment we go to see a wizard about a new kitchen faucet." That's because she always had friendly elves around to bring in the water, but sometimes they spilled a little on the floor and on the rabbits who would get mad and start singing angry tunes about a very interesting beaver.
Soon the rabbits were so soaking wet, that they had to go outside and play in the hot summer sun because the sun's rays had melted their chocolate bunny ears which caused quite a commotion as they couldn't hear the wolf coming. As the wolf snuck up a sympathetic bird swooped into the valley of lime sherbert hills and warned the assembled rabbits of carrotty doom pending further wolves. However, the rabbits soon forgot all their troubles when the wolves developed a nasty smell, that knocked out all the robins and sparrows out of the trees and into Khruschev's Other Shoe's other shoe. Then, dozens of crickets came jumping off little bitty cliffs with parachutes made of clover leaves sewn together and dipped in exquisite honey and nectar mixture to channel the air flow into alternate timelines. They quickly found the timeline where the princess frogs and their fairy kings baked cakes for all the rainbow children of the corn.
The following summer, a group of lost hikers stumbled upon the entrance to the dreaded dark chocolate mine with its dark chocolate miners. The miners were big scary kittens with really long whiskers that made them look particularly
cute menacing. "Who dares to enter here", exclaimed the kittens, snarling and mewing like they knew what was about to go down. All of a sudden a pack of rabid unicorns bearing jars of strawberry preserves and magical english muffins made by tiny English bears from the forests of Gump, where life and chocolate are like boxes of cherries, emerged from the woods.
The unicorns challenged the bears to a game of Rock Paper Scissors, but they cheated, which made the bears quite upset. So they stole the unicorns' picnic basket and high tailed it to their cave. Meanwhile rabid penguins, having eaten all of their daily ration of olives, went foraging for other sources in the forests of Siam, where jeweled skies stretched endlessly overhead. However, the ancient cronies of the Princess of Procrastination also known as TroubleAgain, who always procrastinated when gnomes danced the cheery sound of falling snow, couldn't seem to find a pixie to get a large diet soda. A pixie was found, however, getting a regular soda. The lousy twit. The Princess then lost her striped, furry, morbidly obese leopard. "Where did I last see it?" she wondered. Maybe it was in the refrigerator, except leopards don't like refrigerators because the freon gives them the screaminig heebie-jeebies.
So many people have come and gone while looking for a way out of their lowly predicament. Princess umop decreed that all flavors of ice cream would be tested at quality control facilities run by little mice in funny hats capable of screaming higher than humans can hear, which is a good thing, since even the ants can't stand the horrific sound of nails on a chalkboard. Luckily the only chalkboard available was covered in ancient Twinkies and decrepit popcorn balls. But, as the years passed alternating between fast and mind-bogglingly slow, the little mice reproduced like chocolate bunnies, raising their collective IQs to atmospheric levels, and giving the unicorns severe inferiority complexes to boot. This was good, because unicorns get into trouble when they get too stuck on themselves.
Then one year, several of the unicorns devised a plan most diabolical, to get rid of all the inconsiderate chipmunks, who kept taking and taking and never giving a hoot about their fellow rodents, or primates, or mammals except on odd numbered Shrove Tuesdays when they would invite all their friends to a good old-fashioned barbecue. The unicorn plan involved lots of hot fudge, mini-donuts, an electric stove, and three hundred gallons of slightly curdled chocolate milk. Fish oil was also planned but fish oil suddenly became completely and totally passe. Instead they decided on peas and carrots with fried okra to facilitate their evil yet tasty and nutritious plans for the munks.
The unicorns assembled the ingredients, but couldn't locate a large enough soup tureen to drown their sorrows nor to drench a mysterious woodland fire that started overnight during a particularly vicious electrical storm. The unicorns decided that only time can mend a broken vat of fermented armadillo sweat mixed with llama milk that totally reeked. Once the ingredients were mixed, the unicorns brought a curse unto anyone who ate too much of their soup. Such behavior was normal for unicorns, because they're all rather greedy and dabble in dark arts and mysterious chants.
Even newt eyes are not enough to assauge the guilty feelings of star-crossed lovers trapped in cycles of lunar orbit. The chipmunks soon launched a preemptive strike, using a primitive catapult made of sticks, twine and old cereal box tops, bound with edible duct tape. However much they pulled the cord, Lurch never answered the phone in an unprofessional manner. But that is because Lurch has one really twisted ironic sense of appropriate behavior at best and leaves the phone unplugged anyway. When the chipmunks finally wrested control from the other mammals, allthe unicorns fled in disarray at the sight of the 'possums pet, which was a gigantic erinaceus europaeus with little red eyes shining through the bars of its crate.
When the unicorn's panic subsided love bloomed in the frozen desert of the Southern Continent, between a rock and a much more interesting rock with large dots of marzipan in heart shapes. Underneath the marzipan hearts rock the ground glowed red hot from the dread power of a Hello Cthulhu, bought with a half off coupon. When it rained, the hot ground gave off the odor of wet dog, which is rather unpleasant unless oneis a dog. The unicorns thought wet dog smell was just peachy, especially mixed withthe smell of napalm in the morning. Of course in the afternoon sun, the rain evaporated leaving behind the scent of rose petals and gouda which gave the chipmunks headaches. Luckily, they stock up on extra-strength bunny pills with extra cotton balls in the tops of the trees.
The chipmunks' headaches subsided but their persistent indigestion worsened from the effects of chemtrail chemicals in their breakfast cereal, which also contained toy surprises and tiny marshmallows. When the cereal is opened, the toy surprises jump out and shout obscenities in Romanian. This displeased umop as she frequently cursed in French and ancient dialects of Sumerian because a little oiseau told her the Romanian curses were made up by the elves. Romanian elves, who also instigated a dispute with the Albanian sprites over use of prepositions in sentences. The Austrian nymphs got tired of all the bickering and declared martial law throughout the upside down kingdom. This displeased her Highness, so she ordered vats of molten tinfoil to be made into little tiaras for the princess frogs. They were stolen by miscreant leprechauns who knew that the tiaras would give them superiority complexes. The plan worked a little too weirdly because suddenly dancing bananas emerged from the Gump forests and immediately began to do the Hokey Pokey. The Hokey Pokey is considered the sacred dance of the funky dancing primates of Shangri-La.
Meanwhile, back on the throne, Princess umop decreed that heads would roll if the dirty dancing bunnies danced the forbidden dance of the caffiene frenzied smiley. The bunnies were defiant and danced it anyway. Princess umop became so enraged at the sight of the forbidden dance, that she banished all caffienated bunny treats from the eastern two thirds of the kingdom. When the rabbits couldn't find enough Easter eggs to fill a big broken vat they were preparing for the annual eggstravaganza, they resorted to criminality, raiding the famous Easter Egg Mine of Marzipan. Unfortunately, the hot sun caused their home perms to frizz wildly while smelling like fremented monkey poop, which unicorns happen to dearly love. So the unicorns attacked the rabbitswith such ferocity that the rabbits suddenly began to man the defenses with their fittest, making it difficult for the unicorn's riders, the stoics they were, to efficiently suture the festering wounds of their gravely injured. The unicorns got drunk and screwed, while the rabbits looked on in shock and disbelief.
The rabbits were jealous of the sexy style of screwing employed by the unicorns involving lutefisk and lime green Jell-O. Suddenly, out of nowhere came a very fast chipmunk-piloted aircraft, armed with unpopped popcorn kernels and mutated fava beans. The chipmunk aircraft was no match for the unbelievably hot thermals created by the heat radiating from the scorching deserts of the infernal region. So they bought a case of beer to ease the pain of the humiliation brought on by heatstroke and figgy pudding. Princess umop, having downed several shots of tequila, drunkenly pronounced Inner Stickler to be an enemy combatant. Inner Stickler raised an army and vowed to crush anyone who tried to get her supply of Cocoa Puffs. TM
Then Inner Stickler himself attempted to eat an entire pig's stash of chocolate Easter eggs, two large bowls of oatmeal, Tokyo, New York City and a roll of Rolaids TM. But the taste of Chicago White Sox left an unpleasant film on the tongues off all the girls who kissed Inner Stickler on the forehead. The White Sox, however, thought that Princess Umop's tiara was absolutely smurfy. They noticed that troubleagain's breath smelled like the sweetest petunias, mixed with vegemite. So sweet, in fact, that killer bees swarmed in and carried Troubleagain away to be made Queen of their hive. Queen troubleagain soon discovered that it wasn't as much fun because the bees were always buzzing about some flower like it was a Holy Nectar-Producing Grail. Therefore Troubleagain left the bees to their own devices and returned to her Castle of Post Efficiam. Trouble was so relieved that she went to the corner store and cleaned the bathroom.
Meanwhile, the unicorns learned the forbidden bunny dance which would enrage umop if word ever got out, because umop hated having to explain why the dance was forbidden. However, the happy monkey dance involves many difficult steps and increases the chance of developing arthritis later in life. However, the banana boogie is much easier to do while tapping a keg of banana flavored liqueur. Princess umop was suddenly captured by dragons from the 7-11 where the frappachino machine was broken and they needed magical upside down powers to re-clean the bathroom. While at 7-11 Princess umop found something surprising on the underside of the counter: troubleagain's retainer that she left there two days before she left for Helsinki on a major traveling spree. troubleagain's retainer contained magical pixie dust, capable of lending money at low interest rates to those who could prove they flossed twice a day. Obviously then, her teeth were possessed by manic unicorns who jumped around erratically whenever Duran Duran began playing on the Magical Pixie radio station.
Princess umop's birthday became a national holiday for all nearby kingdoms, because it involves tequila and whipped cream, and dancing the forbidden bunny dance at 7-11. Super Squishies made with grapes, banana slugs and liquid sunshine taste like a 7-11 frappachino when you add a small amount of powdered unicorn hoof. Suddenly the roof blew off, uncovering the recently recleaned bathroom where another mystery awaited Umop's attention. The large round black object in the toilet that wouldn't flush was a ebony and dark chocolate bowling shoe left by alien flight-attendants from Transylvania. They bought new shoes made of steel and chewing gum to infuriate security checkpoint staff. Suddenly, the flying dragons swooped over the mountain and burned all of the 7-11s with their breath. Dragon breath proof 7-11s were rejected as impractical by city developers, citing numerous examples of dragoned Circle-K's that have been turned into smoldering ruins by frappachino machines that were really dragon planted bombs!
In the not too distant kingdom of evil gnomes and benevolent sprites, there was a grumpy old prince who would yell at the sprites because he preferred cola. I gave that grouch a seat on my couch and he spilled his cola! Princess umop became upset and threatened to take away his World of Coca Cola tshirt and replace it with a lavender sequined Brittany Spears tube top and thongs. The grumpy old prince then said, "the heck with lavender, I look better in stunning vibrant shades of lime green!" So the grumpy prince's significant other said "no more lime green underoos! You'll wear boxers or else I'll unleash the mystical genie of the bottle of Geritol who will grant a fourth wish if you don't become regular after taking the Elixir of umop, on sale at 7-11's after midnight." But it wasn't until the next day that the sprites discovered a stash of chocolate-flavoured candy made of ex-lax and camphor that revealed a special secret to the whereabouts of troubleagain's secret recipe for extra spicy cashew chicken. Except the recipe omitted a crucial ingredient, thus causing the chicken to turn into a fire breathing dragon.
Flames... green smoke... terror and confusion as people ran to the shelter of their nearest KFC for buckets of chicken wings. KFC fire-breathing dragon wings became creepily scarred with cranky dancing monkeys who didn't want anyone to discover their hidden talents for obfuscation. This confuscatory ability led them to start a message board where they engaged in long pointless games involving sucking up to the moderator and writing incoherent rambling stories involving dancing monkeys rotating in a display case. Rabid ravenous raging rhinos returned raunchy red roses while whimsically whispering wholesome somewhat silly secrets sunday afternoon into the ear of hapless hamadryads transporting vivacious volatile Venusian vixens carrying cold containers of orange opals. "Enough of this madness!" cried an anachronistic flapjack. The last time it had spoken, the Queen of Maple Syrup, also known as the Princess of IHOP had decreed that it would be newsworthy if talking flapjacks could only speak in iambic pentameter.
To flapjack or not to.. flapjack. That is the question. The flapjack stood on the burning deck and said "Well, I'll be dipped in molasses and sprinkles!" Meanwhile hot molten molasses erupted from the mighty volcano in Princess umop's master bathroom. Luckily, Princess Umop's Downstairs bathroom had not yet been converted into a secret supervillain lair. That allowed for a serendipitous encounter between three opposing rhinoceri and a malcontent swamp bear armed with Mrs. Butterworth's and some key lime pie. A fight ensued in Princess Umop's newly redecorated cheesecake factory. "Quit breaking the fancy china!" exclaimed umop as she admonished the invisible flying unicorns who continued dropping watermelon handgrenades spiked with vodka. Meanwhile indignant squirrels chased mopeds across town, causing the locals to curse whoever it was that turned their segways into flying spaghetti monster murals.
When they began to lose their virginity to salacious muskrats whose eyes looked like overgrown avocados limned with hot pepper sauce, the hoarde raided the 7-11 that was around the corner had several piles of disgusting It looks like I boobooed and got us off track. I mistook umop's comma for a period.
Swarms of angry antediluvian midgets in search of a new use for 7-11 frappachino machines, descended upon the upside down kingdom. Princess umop issued a call for all of the evil carp and suckerfish to delight in. This meant that all Princess Umop's royal subjects had to immediately destroy any evidence that the carp had used the 7-11 bathroom. Meanwhile the unicorns, devious as ever, raided a liquor store and took all the tequila then cleaned out the register. Unicorns drinking margaritas is a sign of the times, because the big, bad wolf stole a shipment of limes destined for Princess umop's Tequila, Lime, and Pajama Party. But the wolf was foiled by the resourceful chipmunks who managed to create several new species of fish that are found in The Atlantic Ocean. The pirates looked like they had been making deviled eggs with no mustard or salt, which is socially unacceptable throughout 271 countries and Pluto because it makes the fishes sick.
One time, at band camp the flutists gave the cellists hand carved bananas made from the finest quality pine. One day, while walking in knee deep mud, pine needles, and small marine snails, it occurred to one flutist that maybe wooden bananas would be better for whacking moles than for making cookies for evil satanic rituals on June 6th. June 6, however, was not the day before May 1st nor was it the day the music died. Fortunately, the music lived on, due to the efforts of the musical tree frogs from the southern provinces. Evil music emanated from behind every tree, rock, and small animal whenever Princess Umop summoned the spirits of diabolical snack foods that ingested tofu and chocolate covered peanuts. The music got so loud, lewd bunnies started to dirty dance on the borders of the dreaded Blortch Empire. The Blortch Emporer was angered because the 7-11 frappachino machine dispensed blue foamy stuff instead of the usual green concoction which really screwed up the dancing bananas plans for complete Super SquishyTM formulation.
The Blortch Emperor and Princess Umop declared war on the bunnies who were in alliance with snakes on a plane. As the plane took off Severely depressed dingos disguised as cute little lamb-ikins forced their therapists to retreat to a secret underground 7-11 located in area 92 with the illegal aliens! Illegal flying saucers drifted over hill, over dale as scary crustaceans danced the forbidden bunny dance, thus causing the hills to come alive with the sound of raucous hokey pokeying. After a while you'll forget everything but that one horrible incident where Princess Umop was mauled by a fluffy little kitten. The fluffy kitten was really playful. In fact too playful for his own good, which resulted in dancing funky monkeys climbing out of their barrels and tying rainbow colored ribbons around the kitten's delicate whiskers and tails.
The kitten meowed in protest as scorn was heaped upon the leaping lemurs who were insulting the flolloping mattresses thus adding insult to injury. Soon, a large cat slunk into view with a box of Twinkies and three bags of donut seeds. The donut seeds complained that the Vogans were reading poetry backwards, causing people to that depressed the frolicking unicorns. age backwards causing the extinction of frappachino machines. Coffee drinkers across america were forced to switch to drinking invisible Buzz cola in life-threatening quantities. This dismayed both Vogons and bunnies so the vogons devised a scheme to trick the kitten into a burlap bag. The Vogans then covered the kitten with silly string and coconut flavored ipecac syrup. The kitten began to wheeze and cough to the tune of the Star-Spangled Banner as sung by Seven Of Nine. This caused the funky monkeys much distress, and they began to sing loud off-key naughty limericks. This caused much disorder in the wop6u!>l umop-ap!sdn because umop's ears couldn't handle the big booms of loudness that emanated from Swampbear's ginormious speaker system that he had mounted on top of the mantle.
Many decibles high the sound was and it created an enormous craving for beef jerky and lime jello. While dancing with enraged crocodiles, it is advisable to avoid singing the Swiss national anthem, as it causes enraged crocodiles to emit light of specific wavelengths that make baby unicorns cry. Crying unicorns is never a terrible omen, because it means the 'Hot Now' donut sign is never on while the electricians are repairing the frappachino machine. A baby unicorn cried to alert the clowns and jesters that the Queen had almost lost a purple and sparkely hair clip while cleaning the 7-11 bathroom. Which is a tricky maneuver because purple sparkly hair clips are easily seen due to atmospheric conditions which render them fluorescent and lurid in the predawn hours. So they seem to sparkle lasciviously almost blinding even blind men and causing forbidden bunny dancing. Blind bunny dancing, however, distresses Princess umop because it makes them bump into things and knock them over. Water bottles caused Princess umop to.time.travel to ancient Greece where she imports toilet paper to soothe chapped behinds.
When time traveling with toilet paper one must always bring a certified toilet paper training instructor to make sure no one mistakes toilet paper for little tiny barrels of monkeys. Because no one likes to have barrels of monkeys doing the funky monkey while next to the toilet at the corner 7-11. This distracted the toilet paper quilters from completing their supervillain costumes, which would have given them complete world domination, in comfort. If the world were ruled by toilet paper quilting overlords we would all have to get expensive licenses to take a trip to the library for monkey research. Bathing while doing monkey research is a sure sign that the monkeys are happy about playing in the water. They splished and splashed, while scientists subjected them to experimental bubblebaths which caused a measurable decrease in monkey stinkage.
Meanwhile back at the lab, two teams of fifteen each were vying for a Nobel Prize in synchronized radio isotope line dancing. However, the prize went to the lesbian vampires, because they had more hats to shade their eyes from Queen Umop's shining beauty. Queen Princess umop then bestowed upon them the royal title Duchess of Frappachinos and Donuts. The vampires were surprised at how chintzy looking the tiaras that they got were, so they burned down Queen umop's Tiara Factory and replaced it with a diamond mine with miner kittens digging obscene crop circles causing mass hysteria among woo-woos. The kittens used heavy planks and rocks to catapult themselves into geosynchronous orbit around troubleagain's summer home in the Spanish Riviera.
Once in orbit, the kittens took the opportunity to experiment with noxious chemicals and high voltage, which resulted in an electromagnetic pulse which caused refrigerators worldwide to do backflips. The kittens, fortified with cheap catnip and booze, flailed wildly to songs being played by two rattlesnakes and a mutant swamp bear, whose vocals made virgin unicorns weep with agony at his awful singing. Queen Princess umop decreeed that swampbear's voice should be heard but not listened to. This allowed the others to use the kingdom's karaoke machine. The orbiting kittens accidentally deleted a lot of emails to Queen Princess umop of a threatening nature Thus she decreed that spam to be an offense punishable by decapitation, must contain the words nymphos, Viagra or Chimpanzee R. Pizza.
The first to be punished was brought to the torture chamber and made to sit roll over and beg. He was then forced to clean all the bathrooms between Los Angeles and Muscle Shoals, Alabama. The emails were also found to contain subtle, obscene messages about naughty words in alphabet soup. The best naughty words were appropriated by Queen umop for use in secret ceremonies where she would hurl curses at the hated French. Alphabet soup cursing should always include words like arghfargle and humbaggage to be truly effective, while still retaining some of the classics. Especially in unique combinations with AlphaBits cereal. The Court Jester, Swampy, however ate all the vowels, causing unpronounceable works like mxplsdfslkd which is actually unicorn for "We're on a bridge Charlie!"
The trolls under the bridge recited terrible incantations without the use of vowels but with excessive exclamation points. This confused people who arrived after the troll tea party threw stale petit fours at obnoxious Russian tourists. Queen umop, in disgust, declared a day of mourning for the unicorns and trolls involved in the horrific events of the forbidden bunny danceathon. This day fell on the same day the marriage between Mr.P. Butter and Mrs. Jelly was consummated in a tall glass of milk. Etiquette demanded that the proper way to wipe one's windshield is to use a rolled-up newspaper no older than last Thursday. Ettiquette then demanded a small but tasteful offering be made to Great Cthulhu, consisting of fresh armadillo shells and tastefully arranged flea skulls. The Great Cthulhu enjoyed a cup of whiskey as well as a fluffy souffle made with a lemon base and garnished with grated marmoset. The proper serving etiquette requires that the souffle be carried by 7-11 employees while dancing to a funky beat that Queen umop found to be quite the earworm.
After dining, the Great Cthulhu daintily dabbed with the undead embroidered lace hanky he received from that ne'er-do-well in Sam Clam's Disco. Cthulhu discovered that the souffle had fallen, which was terrible for the forbidden bunny dancers because they hated it when a fallen souffle caused unicorns to laugh uncontrollably and wet themselves. Cthulhu became soaking wet from all the squirt guns carried by cranky trolls. Suddenly there appeared six million drachmas in unmarked hand knitted lace doilies. This was how they persuaded the others to increase their recommended daily allowance of lace hankies. Queen umop believed that only the finest lace jock straps should be worn while performing Strip Ballet. This ensures an aesthethically pleasing arrangement for the enjoyment of everyone in the room, not including the warped individuals who wear latex while engaging in naughty dance moves. Much of the dancing happened on the lawn of a well-meaning waif known as the Inner Stickler of the Forest, whose nightly appearances frustrated the large flocks of pre menstrual penguins who gathered outside the hall of the Great Pumpkin who began to turn different colors while recreating the first act of a play written by Princess umop to commemorate those who lost their natural hair color when showered with pumpkin seeds. A large crowd suddenly descended upon the entrance to the 7/11 where frappachinos were on sale for fifty percent off if you bought 30 Hostess Sno*Balls and a large cup of coffee. The crowd went wild when they heard of the fantastic new flushless urinals in the lady's room. Unfortunately, the celebration died down when it was revealed that the manager of the 7/11 switched the regular flavored cappuchino with an off brand. The crowd was furious! Not only did they torch the store, they started a revolution that resulted in the tragic and untimely removal of the Ambassador of Alliteration. The terrible turn of events caused Princess umop untold nightmares, in which angry thanksgiving turkeys and clowns caused time to slow down while the earth's rotation made the manager dizzy. Meanwhile a hoard of rabid rabbits and their mothers-in-law descended upon a small pile of fermented Mike and Ike's which they sold on Ebay to pay for their illicit shopping expeditions in Tijuana for exotic jelly bean flavors. It was rumored that under their furry exteriors, were razors, so when petted they caused people to recoil in fear of the tiny blades that lurked beneath. Thus, Princess Umop ordered that bunnies over the age of 4 must shave off all their dyed fur and replace it with the finest silk, provided they include a matching duvet and slipcover. This caused a fashion uproar when it was revealed that only fashion conscious rabbits and unicorns knew the secret fashion code necessary to copy Princess umop's world renowned haircut. This haircut, which naked apes very much envied, had been introduced by the infamous Viennese barber and cheese maker from the Mountains of Doom. The barber was a descendant of the world renowned chili chef Billy Bob Boomer. A water buffalo began to chant obscene Tibetan songs while practicing roundhouse kicking. The silly thing saw Chuck Norris doing the hokey pokey and dropkicking midget ninjas.. who fought back by doing the Safety Dance. Princess umop and Chuck Norris went cow tipping in elegant evening dress while swamp bears drank beer out behind the 7-11. Suddenly, out of the gloom cyborg penguins appeared with their Ipods playing polka. Chuck Norris immediately began to ask, "Is Opus here?" But a burning waffle and falling soufflé distracted him from the imminent collision of a magical liopleurodon and a box of Wheaties. Meanwhile at the Seven-Eleven an Anheuser-Busch truck waited for the Miller beer truck to arrive so that they could continue their clandestine beer-related conspiracy to take over the Lizard Lick, N.C. Waffle House. Meanwhile the Lizard Lick Kiwanis manager sang show tunes.
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