WARNING: curse words, violence, risqué language and themes. No, that is not a missing serial comma.
Three construction workers are sitting on a girder, high above the city, taking their lunch break.
The first guy unwraps his sandwich and says, "Ham and Swiss again??? I'm sick of ham and Swiss.
It's been ham and Swiss every day for the past month. If it's ham and Swiss again tomorrow I'm going to jump."
The second guy unwraps his sandwich and says, "BLT again??? I'm sick of BLT.
It's been BLT every day for the past two months. If it's BLT again tomorrow I'm going to jump."
The third guy unwraps his sandwich and says, "PB&J again??? I'm sick of PB&J.
It's been PB&J every day for the past week. If it's PB&J again tomorrow I'm going to jump."
The next day, the first man unwraps his sandwich and it's ham and Swiss so he jumps.
The second man unwraps his sandwich and it's BLT so he jumps.
The third man unwraps his sandwich and it's PB&J so he jumps.
At the funeral, the wife of the third guy says, "Don't look at me, he makes his own lunch."
A Republican, a Democrat, and an Independent are driving along a country road late at night when their car breaks down.
They see a farmhouse and knock on the door but there's no answer.
They decide to sleep in a nearby barn and go look for help in the morning.
On their way in someone knocks over a big metal bucket and it makes a ruckus.
Hearing the noise, the farmer comes over to investigate, shotgun in hand.
The three travelers panic and hide inside some burlap sacks.
The farmer kicks the sack with the Democrat inside who says "meow" and the farmer says "oh it's just a cat."
He kicks the sack with the Independent who says "ruff ruff" and the farmer says "oh it's just a dog."
Then he kicks the sack with the Republican inside and the Republican says "potatoes."
But the farmer is also a Republican and he says, "that's funny... I don't remember growing potatoes this year."
A fresh-faced country boy of about 19 was in the city for the very first time, and had to hitchhike back home. A guy in a Corvette stops to pick him up. The hitchhiker says where he wants to go and the driver says I can get you most of the way there. It's a hot day, so the driver has the A/C blasting. They get on the freeway and they're going about 65 mph. The country boy has never ridden that fast, so he comments "we sure are going fast". The driver says, "the faster you go the cooler it gets." Then they're exiting the city and doing about 75 mph. The country boy says "wow we really are going fast." The driver says, "the faster you go the cooler it gets." After a while, the driver wants to show off what his fancy car can do, so he pushes it all the way up to 90 mph. The country boy says "now we're really really going fast." "The faster you go, the cooler it gets."
Finally they get to a fork in the road and the driver pulls over. He says, "I'm headed that way which is in the wrong direction for where you want to be. But if you get on that horse over there, it should be able to take you the rest of the way." The country boy thanks the driver and hands him a $20, then gets on the horse. He pushes the horse faster and faster and faster, because "the faster you go, the cooler it gets." Suddenly, the horse stops, lays down on the ground, and passes out dead from exhaustion.
The country boy kicks the horse and says, "ahp - froze to death."
A young woman takes out a personals ad looking for a man who won't run around on her, won't beat her, and is good in bed. One day a man shows up at her door in a wheelchair. He has no arms and no legs. He tells her he saw her ad, and since he has no legs, he can't run around on her, and since he has no arms, he can't beat her. She asks, "Are you good in bed?" and he says, "How do you think I rang the doorbell."
There was this young actress named Helen, she went by Hel for short,
and she was set to perform in a production by the local theatre in which she would be playing the role of herself.
Her older sister Madeline, or Mad for short, a mother of three, helped Helen out with memorizing the lines and,
since Madeline also had some acting experience, she was able to give pointers on delivery and posture and things like that.
They spent a lot of time going over the script together until they both knew it really well.
However, all this effort on top of Madeline's day job and taking care of her kids caused her to suffer some minor health effects from stress,
so her doctor advised that she go on a low dose of aspirin for a few weeks, just until after the play.
Then on the day of the performance, Helen was sick and had to stay home. She called Madeline and asked if she'd be willing to fill in,
since Madeline could act too and was familiar with the script. Madeline said yes of course, and Helen said just tell the director that
you're here to fill in because Helen is out sick.
So Madeline gets to the theatre, goes backstage, and sees the director talking to someone,
but just as she's about to go up and introduce herself, she realizes she forgot her aspirin that morning.
Fortunately, she had it with her and swallowed it quickly. But the director turned at just that moment
and saw an unfamiliar person popping a pill backstage. The director approached Madeline and said excuse me,
I just have to ask who you are and what that pill was you just took. Caught off guard, madeline said:
"Oh hi! I'm Mad, as Hel! And I'm not going to take it anymore."
In the City of Animals, there's a Mr. Gibbon who owns a classic car, a historic vehicle. It's his pride and joy. He's generally a temperamental fellow, and whenever life gets him down, he can often be seen out in his driveway cleaning his car. When he's in really low spirits, one of the things he likes to do to feel better is to apply a layer of protective wax to the car's exterior.
One day, Mr. Gibbon is feeling particularly gloomy and he's out applying a wax coat. Ms. Reindeer and Ms. Gazelle happen to walk by, and Ms. Gazelle calls out to Mr. Gibbon, "It's such a nice day today!" To which Mr. Gibbon replies, "Thpbbbbbbb!"
The two ungulates continue on their way and, once out of earshot of the primate, Ms. Gazelle turns to Ms. Reindeer and says, "That was awfully rude of him, wasn't it?" Ms. Reindeer replies, "I wouldn't take it personally. It's just a waxing gibbon's mood."
President Trump went for a walk in the forest. A tree said, "I regret that I have only one life to give for my country." The tree fell on the president.
A sailor walks into a bar in a port somewhere, far from home, and sees only one guy sitting there sipping a drink. Looking for some conversation, he sits next to the guy and says hello. The guy gives a dejected grunt, so the sailor asks what's wrong. The guy points out the window and says, "You see that fence out there? I built that fence. Spar by spar, and rail by rail. But when I walk down the street, does anyone say, 'There goes McFadden the fence builder?' No! They don't!" Then the guy points out another window. There is a beautiful bridge in the distance. He says to the sailor, "You see that bridge out there? I built that bridge. Brick by brick, stone by stone. But when I walk down the street, does anyone say, 'There goes McFadden, the bridge builder?' No! They dont!" He stops for a moment, and takes a disgusted swig from his beer. Then he says, "But you fuck one goat..."
A pig walks into a cafe and orders a lemonade. The clerk is amazed to see a talking pig, one that even pays for the order in cash, and gives the pig the lemonade. The pig drinks it all up and says, "Thank you, that was delicious. Is it okay if I use your restroom?" The still astonished clerk says "Sure! It's just down the hall to the right." The pig uses the restroom and leaves.
An hour later, a different pig walks in and orders a coffee. The clerk, having already been surprised by the earlier pig, wonders what's up with these talking animals all of a sudden and takes the payment and fills the order. The second pig drinks up all the coffee, thanks the clerk, and asks for the restroom. The clerk says, "Sure, it's down the hall and to the right." The second pig uses the restroom and then leaves.
A little while later, a third pig comes in, orders a glass of milk, pays, drinks the milk, and asks to use the restroom. The clerk answers, "Down the hall to the right." The third pig uses the restroom and leaves.
A few minutes later, a fourth pig comes in, orders a smoothie, pays, drinks the smoothie, and starts to ask for the restroom. The clerk, getting used to the routine, interrupts the pig and says, "Down the hall to the right." The fourth pig thanks the clerk, uses the restroom, and leaves.
No sooner has the fourth pig left than a fifth pig comes in, orders a can of seltzer, pays, drinks the seltzer, and then starts to leave. "Wait," the clerk calls out, "aren't you going to use the restroom? It's down the hall to the right." The pig says, "nah... I go wee-wee-wee all the way home."
A Californian, a Texan, and an Arizonan walk into a bar in Las Vegas and they all order drinks. The Californian finishes his martini and throws the glass against the far wall, breaking it. The startled bartender says "Hey!" and the Californian says, "In California sand is plentiful and glass is cheap, so we never have to drink from the same glass twice."
The Texan finishes his tequila and throws the glass against the far wall, breaking it. The bartender says "That's enough of that!" and the Texan says, "In Texas we're all rich from oil and we never have to drink from the same glass twice."
The Arizonan finishes his beer, then pulls out a revolver and shoots the Californian and the Texan. He tells the horrified bartender, "In Arizona we have so many Californians and Texans moving in, we never have to drink with the same ones twice."
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar and they all order beers. Three flies are buzzing around and one fly lands in each mug of beer. The Englishman pushes his mug away with an expression of disgust. The Irishman pulls the fly out, shrugs, and continues drinking. The Scotsman holds the fly over the beer and exclaims, "Spit it out ye bastard!"
A priest, rabbi and minister walk into a bar. The bartender comes up to take their order, stops and asks them "Hey, wait a minute! Is this some kind of joke?"
A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He asks, "Do you serve MAGA people here?" The bartender proudly answers, "Yes, we certainly do." So the guy says, "Good. I'll have a beer for me and a MAGA for my alligator."
A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He orders a beer and gulps it down. Then he orders another and gulps it down, then another, then another. He pays and gets up to leave, but the bartender stops him and points to the alligator on the floor and says, "You can't leave that lyin' there." The customer, drunk off his ass, says, "That's not a lion, that's an alligator."
A young couple are vacationing and staying in a luxury hotel. They decide to go for a swim in the hotel pool, and the woman keeps losing either the top half or bottom half of her swimsuit. But the pair have the pool all to themselves, so they don't worry too much about it.
Later they decide to go downstairs to the bar for some drinks. The man notices a very large aquarium over the bar, but it's just water - no fish or anything. He casually asks the bartender why they have such a nice big fishtank with no fish in it.
The bartender replies, "That's not a fishtank, that's the swimming pool."
A lawyer calls up a physician as an expert witness in a trial. At stake is whether a specific person was truly deceased. The lawyer asks the doctor several times, sevral different ways, whether the doctor was sure the individual was dead, and the doctor responds affirmatively each time. The lawyer asks "But, how did you know the person was deceased? Did you check for a pulse? Did you look for vital signs?" Finally the doctor says, "I'll put it this way. His brain was in a jar on my desk. But you know what, now that you mention it, for all I know he could have been out practicing law somewhere."
A patient is in the hospital and has to take a dump. The patient rings the bell for the nurse but no one answers. The patient tries again and again but still no response. The patient really has to use the restroom so they take a dump on the sheet and throw the sheet out the window.
Along passes by a drunk guy walking home from the bar. The sheet falls on the guy and he panics. When he gets home, his wife says "Honey you smell terrible!" He replies, "You would too if you'd just beat the shit out of a ghost."
A man goes home to his wife, three sheets to the wind. She instantly exclaims that the front of his shirt is covered in puke. Thinking quickly, he hands her two $20 bills and says, "Yeah some guy had one too many and lost his lunch on my shirt. He gave me this $20 for the inconvenience." The wife asks what the other $20 is for. "He also took a shit in my pants."
Four guys who are neighbors at the trailer park walk into a pet shop. The first three each pick out a bird to purchase, verifying with each other that they're the right kinds of bird. The fourth guy just says "I dunno about this." They make their purchases and then drive up a mountain and park by the edge of a cliff. The first guy takes his new bird, pulls out a gun (!), jumps off the cliff (!!), and shoots the bird on the way down! The fourth guy says, "I dunno if I wanna try this parrot shootin', it dun' look right to me."
Then the second guy does the same thing, jumps off the cliff and shoots his bird on the way down! The fourth guy says, "An' I don' wanna try none a that budgie jumpin' neither."
Then the third guy jumps off the cliff with his bird, shooting it on the way down! The fourth guy says, "Hen glidin'? Forget that!"
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "sorry we don't serve string." So the string walks out, ties itself up, grinds parts of itself against the concrere sidewalk, then walks back in bar and orders a beer. The bartender says says, "I told you we don't serve string." The string replies, "But I'm not string." The bartender says, "You can't fool me, you're the same string who was just in here a moment ago." The string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
Once upon a time there was a guy who really enjoyed card games. He learned how to play every single game and he'd play them with friends, relatives, acquaintances, strangers, anyone he could convince. After many years he began to grow tired of playing the same games over and over, so he decided to create a new one.
Once he was sure what the rules and object of gameplay would be, he began to introduce it to everyone he knew, but everyone told him the same thing. They didn't like the name of the new game. For some reason, he had very bizarrely named it "pissy fist". And, understandably, no one wanted to play a game called "pissy fist".
So he took some time to think about how to solve this predicament. He knew he'd have to change the name, but to what? It was so hard to come up with a better sounding name. He tossed so many ideas around in his head, even bounced one or two off his friends, but nothing sounded catchy enough. He was almost ready to give up and resign "pissy fist" to oblivion. Then one day, it dawned on him exactly what his card game should be called:
Pee knuckle.
Jesus and Moses are out playing a round of golf when they come to a long water hole. Jesus contemplates the distance and pulls out his driver. Moses says, “What are you doing? You can’t carry the water from here! Lay up.”
Jesus replies, “I saw Tiger Woods play this hole one time, and he cleared the water. If he can do it certainly I can do it!” And with that he takes his swing and knocks the ball clean to the middle of the lake. Moses sighs, walks to the lake, parts the water, retrieves the ball and returns it to Jesus.
“I told you that you couldn’t clear the water, so lay up. I’m NOT getting your ball for you again!” Moses says crossly.
Jesus replies, “I saw Tiger Woods clear the water from here and he is a mere mortal! I can do this!” And with that he takes his swing and plunks the ball right in the water again. He looks at Moses, who just shakes his head. So Jesus heads out to the lake.
While Jesus is walking on the water looking for his ball the next foursome arrives at the hole. One of the guys looks out and says, “Look at that guy walking on the water! Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?”
Moses answers, “No, he IS Jesus Christ, but he THINKS he’s Tiger Woods!”
Three men die at almost the same time and find themselves at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells them that heaven is getting full and they're only accepting those who've suffered particularly horrible deaths. St. Peter asks each of the three men how they died.
The first man steps up, out of earshot of the others, and says, “I live on the 25th floor of a high rise condo. I’ve suspected for a while now that my wife is cheating on me. Today I came home early from work and found my wife was in the shower, so I looked around the place for the guy, but couldn’t find anyone or any sign that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony. I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn’t fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn’t kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refrigerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. I feel really horrible about what I've done. And from the stress of it all I collapsed from a heart attack.”
St. Peter agreed that is really bad, and said, okay, you can enter.
The second man steps up and says, “I live on the 26th floor of a high rise condo. I was hanging up some laundry to dry, when a gust of wind grabbed a large sheet from my hands and I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I caught the balcony below me. I tried to pull myself up when this maniac came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he only got crazier. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, but I landed in some bushes, so I thought I was safe. But just as I'm about to get up I see a refrigerator falling down on top of me.”
St. Peter agreed that was even worse than the first guy, and lets him in.
Then the third man says, “Picture this. I’m hiding, naked, inside a refrigerator...”
Three people die at the same time in a freak accident and find themselves at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells them it's not their time yet, and offers to send each one back as any animal of their choice. He says, "just jump off that cloud over there and yell your selection on the way down." The first person jumps and yells "Courageous lion!" The second person jumps and yells "Majestic eagle!" The third person stubs their toe and falls off, exclaiming "Shit!"
A set of identical twins dies at the same time and they both stand before the pearly gates. St. Peter says "I see you two have been inseparable all your lives. That's great, and you've both done many benevolent and altruistic acts together, but the problem is you've both also done some really horrible things. I'll have to confer with my superiors." So St. Peter goes into heaven for a moment, and the twins can hear a muffled conversation, the voices getting slightly animated before one voice settles down into a resigned tone. Eventually, St. Peter reemerges and informs the twins that one of them will be chosen at random to enter heaven and the other will be sent to spend eternity in hell.
After a billion years, and more than a little pleading, the twin in heaven is allowed to visit their sibling in hell. The two are instantly struck by each other's drastically different appearances: the heaven twin looking all pure in an immaculate white robe, while the hell twin looks like a total badass boasting tattoos, piercings, and a punk haircut. The heaven twin asks how bad the torment is and the hell twin says "It was agony at first, but you get used to it. How are things in heaven?" "Oh, pretty boring, honestly. Most of the time I'm just sitting on a cloud playing a harp." There's an awkward silence and then the heaven twin says, "I'm sorry you didn't get to go to heaven with me." And the twin in hell replies, "No worries, I kind of like it down here." The heaven twin exclaims in surprise, and the hell twin says, "You know all the stuff the world religions don't like? This is where it ends up. We got all the sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll, baby!"
An angel is wandering through a park filled with lovely statuary. He comes upon a sculpted couple, a man and woman in loving embrace, and sees that there are many appreciative viewers passing by throughout the day. When no one living is around, he touches the statue, turning them both into live people, and tells them, "Because you bring so much pleasure to those who view you, I'm granting you two hours of humanity. Use this time as you wish." Casting knowing looks at one another, the two join hands and rush off into the shrubbery, where laughter and squealing is heard. Returning after an hour, the angel advises them that they still have an hour left. They look at one another and the woman says, "Let's do that again, only this time you hold the pigeons, and I'll shit on their heads."
The Pope dies and goes to heaven. He is informed that they have an extensive collection of archives up there, including all the scripture ever written for all the world's religions. He asks if it would be possible to peruse this archive at length, so he's led deep into a cellar and shown how to use the index as a place to start.
Several decades go by and no one has seen him since, so an angel goes down into the cellar to check in on the Pope. The angel finds the Pope sobbing, his face in his hands, rocking back and forth in a chair, crying "there's an R, there's an R" over and over again. The angel asks what's wrong and the Pope looks up, despair written all over his tear-streamed face, and replies, "Back on Earth, we've been missing the R for millennia."
"It's CELEBRATE. Not celibate!"
A bishop is walking through a rose garden when a beautiful young woman walks by. Overcome with the urge, he hurriedly goes to a secluded area to take care of some personal business. As he's finishing, he hears a camera shutter click. Not wanting to be exposed for his misbehavior, the bishop approaches the photographer and offers $100 for the camera. The photographer says sorry, this camera is worth more than twice that. So the bishop offers $1,000, but the photographer says the photos in it are for a contest and the prize is five times that. Finally, the bishop offers to pay $10,000 for the camera, which the photographer accepts.
A nun sees the bishop with his new camera and comments how nice the camera is. The bishop tells the nun how much it cost him. The nun said,
"Ten thousand dollars????? Someone must have seen you coming."
A preacher is out on the lake one day fishing with a buddy of his. The preacher catches a large fish, and the buddy says "whoa, look at the size of that sonofabitch!" The preacher says can you please watch your language. The guy, thinking quickly, says, "Oh I'm sorry... but that's what this kind of fish is called, a sonofabitch."
The preacher takes the fish to the church and asks the priest, "Can you clean this sonofabitch? We can have it for dinner tonight." The priest says, "Do you mind, this is a house of worship!" The preacher says, "But that's what this kind of fish is called, a sonofabitch." So the priest says, "Okay, I'll clean the sonofabitch."
Then he takes it to the Head Mother and asks, "Could you cook this sonofabitch?" The Head Mother says, "My word, such language!" "But that's what this kind of fish is called, a sonofabitch." So she says, "Then yes, I'll cook the sonofabitch."
That evening the Pope is visiting to have dinner at the church. He comments that the fish tastes really good. The preacher says, "I caught the sonofabitch." The priest says, "I cleaned the sonofabitch." And the Head Mother says, "And I cooked the sonofabitch." The Pope gives everyone a steely gaze, leans back in his seat, takes off his hat, and says "You know what," setting his feet on the table, "You fuckers are alright."
Three dogs were sitting in a kennel, talking about what they had waiting for them. The first dog says, "My master bought these brand new leather shoes. They just looked so tasty I chewed them up while he was away at work. So he sent me here to be put to sleep." The second dog says, "I took a dump on my master's antique rug while he was away at work, and he sent me here to be put to sleep too." The third dog looked up and said, "My master was at work too, and his wife came out from the shower naked, and she got down on her hands and knees to pick up a mess I had made on her floor, and I mounted her." The other two dogs were in complete shock. "Wow," they said, "So you're here to be put to sleep too?" "No I'm just here to get my claws clipped."
A guy has a dog who starts moaning and crying and acting crazy for a day or two, then the guy finds the dog passed out. So he takes it to the vet. The vet says “I’m sorry, your dog is dead.” The guy says “I want a second opinion.”
The vet goes into the back and returns with a ginger colored cat, who walks around the dog, sniffing, and then looks up at the vet and meows. The vet says “The cat says the same thing, your dog is dead.”
The guy says “But that’s a cat! I want a dog’s opinion.”
The vet goes into the back and returns with a black Labador Retriever, who smells around the dog for a minute, then looks up at the vet and whimpers. The vet tells the guy, “Even the dog says your dog is dead.”
The guy starts crying and asks “How much to I owe you?”
The vet says “That'll be $650.”
The guy says “What? $650 just to tell me my dog is dead?”
To which the vet replies, “It’s only $50 to tell you your dog is dead. The extra $600 is because I did a cat scan and a lab test.”
A businessman is walking down the sidewalk when he sees a mysterious ladder. Thinking what the hell, he climbs it.
He gets to a platform where a really unattractive woman says, "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success." Figuring that's a no-brainer, he keeps climbing. He gets to the next platform and sees an average-looking woman who says, "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success." Still finding it an easy decision, he keeps climbing. Then he gets to the most gorgeous woman, who tells him the same thing, "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success." Now this is a real head scratcher - does he accept her offer or choose prosperity? After a moment, he decides to keep climbing. On the top platform, there's a really ugly, smelly, hairy, obese man, wearing only a diaper, surrounded by trash, flies buzzing everywhere, and the businessman is thoroughly repulsed. He asks, "Who are you?" and the repulsive guy answers,
"Hi, I'm Cess!"
Mahatma Gandhi was known for walking hundreds of miles barefoot. Over time, he developed incredibly thick calluses on his feet, stronger than the soles of many boots. He also ate lightly and fasted often, which left him frail and gave him chronically bad breath. And do you know what this made him? A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Cultural Differences Explained
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Brits when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when
abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to
your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to
the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be
bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the
anthem.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to
Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and
basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey,
hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Brits in every
sport they play them in.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English."
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English."
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day," "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in
an attempt to get laid.
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in
a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in
a backwards country.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are
inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall...
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.
When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
then you'll have to flash the BIOS and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
Q. How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A. Unique up on it.
Q. How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A. The tame way.
Q. What do you call a chicken's ghost?
A. A poultrygheist.
Q. President Trump, Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, and Mark Zuckerberg are on a boat and it's sinking. Who gets saved?
A. America.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a carp?
A. One is a bottom feeding, scum sucking predator... and the other's a fish.
Q. What's the difference between a drummer and a pizza?
A. A pizza can feed a family of four.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Horsp.
Horsp who?
Eww!
There was a young girl named Anna
Who slipped on a rotten banana
Although quite demure
She then cussed for sure
As she slid all the way to Havana.
There was a young man from Darjeeling
Who got on a train to Teeling.
The sign on the door
Said "Don't spit on the floor"
So he stood up and spat on the ceiling
There was a young poet from Milan
Whose limericks never quite ran
A friend of his
Asked why this is
He said it's simply because I always try to cram as many syllables into the last line as I possibly concerivably can.
There once was a lady from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
In less than an hour
Her nose was in flower
And here head was covered in weeds.
There once was a pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
There once was a sailor named Cass
Who had two balls made of brass
And when they banged together
They played Stormy Weather
And lightning shot out his ass.