The Mourner's Mistake | We &#%@ to Talk | Demon Dog
WARNING: curse words, violence, risqué language and themes. No, that is not a missing serial comma. TL;DR: NSFW!
Three construction workers are sitting on a girder, high above the city, taking their lunch break.
The first guy unwraps his sandwich and says, "Ham and Swiss again??? I'm sick of ham and Swiss.
It's been ham and Swiss every day for the past month. If it's ham and Swiss again tomorrow I'm going to jump."
The second guy unwraps his sandwich and says, "BLT again??? I'm sick of BLT.
It's been BLT every day for the past two months. If it's BLT again tomorrow I'm going to jump."
The third guy unwraps his sandwich and says, "PB&J again??? I'm sick of PB&J.
It's been PB&J every day for the past week. If it's PB&J again tomorrow I'm going to jump."
The next day, the first man unwraps his sandwich and it's ham and Swiss so he jumps.
The second man unwraps his sandwich and it's BLT so he jumps.
The third man unwraps his sandwich and it's PB&J so he jumps.
At the funeral, the wife of the third guy says, "Don't look at me, he makes his own lunch."
Production was about to start on an action movie about classical composers. The director asked three actors which composer they wanted to play. Bruce Willis was asked first, and he said, "I've always been a Beethoven man." Next to be asked was Sylvester Stallone. "Mozart's the one for me," said Sly. Finally it was Arnold Schwartzenegger's turn. He simply said, "I'll be Bach."
A Republican, a Democrat, and an Independent are driving along a country road late at night when their car breaks down.
They see a farmhouse and knock on the door but there's no answer.
They decide to sleep in a nearby barn and go look for help in the morning.
On their way in someone knocks over a big metal bucket and it makes a ruckus.
Hearing the noise, the farmer comes over to investigate, shotgun in hand.
The three travelers panic and hide inside some burlap sacks.
The farmer kicks the sack with the Democrat inside who says "meow" and the farmer says "oh it's just a cat."
He kicks the sack with the Independent who says "ruff ruff" and the farmer says "oh it's just a dog."
Then he kicks the sack with the Republican inside and the Republican says "potatoes."
But the farmer is also a Republican and he says, "that's funny... I don't remember growing potatoes this year."
A fresh-faced country boy of about 19 was in the city for the very first time, and had to hitchhike back home. A guy in a Corvette stops to pick him up. The hitchhiker says where he wants to go and the driver says I can get you most of the way there. It's a hot day, so the driver has the A/C blasting. They get on the freeway and they're going about 65 mph. The country boy has never ridden that fast, so he comments "we sure are going fast". The driver says, "the faster you go the cooler it gets." Then they're exiting the city and doing about 75 mph. The country boy says "wow we really are going fast." The driver says, "the faster you go the cooler it gets." After a while, the driver wants to show off what his fancy car can do, so he pushes it all the way up to 90 mph. The country boy says "now we're really really going fast." "The faster you go, the cooler it gets."
Finally they get to a fork in the road and the driver pulls over. He says, "I'm headed that way which is in the wrong direction for where you want to be. But if you get on that horse over there, it should be able to take you the rest of the way." The country boy thanks the driver and hands him a $20, then gets on the horse. He pushes the horse faster and faster and faster, because "the faster you go, the cooler it gets." Suddenly, the horse stops, lays down on the ground, and passes out dead from exhaustion.
The country boy kicks the horse and says, "ahp - froze to death."
A man decides to move out to the country and start a farm. He buys some land with a farmhouse on it, buys some seed and fertilizer and some basic supplies. He goes to introduce himself to the neighbors and explain that he's setting up a new farm.
The first neighbor he goes to asks if he has any animals, and he says no. "Well, you're gonna want a mule, only 'round these here parts we don't call it a mule, we call it an ass." "And you're gonna want a hen, only 'round these here parts we don't call it a hen, we call it a pullet." "And you'll probably want a rooster, only 'round these here parts we don't call it a rooster, we call it a cock." So the man agrees to buy all three animals, and a couple bags of feed, to take back to the new farm. He sets off on his way, riding the mule, a chicken in each hand.
On the way out, the neighbor gestures toward the mule and says, "Ol' Nellie here can get temperamental sometimes. If she ever stops and won't go, just give her a little scratch behind the ear." Sure enough, halfway home the mule just stops in the middle of the road. But the man doesn't have a free hand! If he sets down one of the birds, it'll escape. He tries tucking one under his arm, but can't reach Nellie's ear. So there's nothing he can do but wait. And it's gonna be getting dark soon.
Then in the distance, he sees a figure approaching. Oh good! Someone who can help. As the figure draws closer, he can tell it's a beautiful woman. She gets close enough that they can hear each other and she asks, "Can I help you?" And without thinking, he says:
"Hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass."
Bubba died in a fire and the coroner's office reached out to his two best friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe, to come identify him. The two guys show up and the coroner calls them in one by one.
Jim-Bob takes a look at the body, says "Yep, he burnt real bad! Roll 'im over." The coroner is confused but rolls the body over. "No, dat ain't Bubba."
Next, the coroner calls in Billy-Joe. Billy-Joe looks at the body and says, "Yep, he burnt real bad! Roll 'im over." The coroner is even more surprised but rolls the body over. "No, dat ain't Bubba."
Finally, the coroner comes out into the waiting room and asks both guys, "Both of you gentlemen said the same thing. You both asked me to roll the body over and then said it isn't Bubba. We're pretty sure it's him, we just want you to ID him so we can write up our report. What gives?" So Jim-Bob says, "Well, you know that Bubba has two assholes, right?" "What?!", exclaims the dumbfounded coroner. "Oh yeah! Evrybody know dat," says Billy-Joe. "Evry time we go inta town, people point 'n say 'Look, here come Bubba wit dem two assholes.'"
A young woman takes out a personals ad looking for a man who won't run around on her, won't beat her, and is good in bed. One day a man shows up at her door in a wheelchair. He has no arms and no legs. He tells her he saw her ad, and since he has no legs, he can't run around on her, and since he has no arms, he can't beat her. She asks, "Are you good in bed?" and he says, "How do you think I rang the doorbell."
There was this young actress named Helen, she went by Hel for short,
and she was set to perform in a production by the local theatre in which she would be playing the role of herself.
Her older sister Madeline, or Mad for short, a mother of three, helped Helen out with memorizing the lines and,
since Madeline also had some acting experience, she was able to give pointers on delivery and posture and things like that.
They spent a lot of time going over the script together until they both knew it really well.
However, all this effort on top of Madeline's day job and taking care of her kids caused her to suffer some minor health effects from stress,
so her doctor advised that she go on a low dose of aspirin for a few weeks, just until after the play.
Then on the day of the performance, Helen was sick and had to stay home. She called Madeline and asked if she'd be willing to fill in,
since Madeline could act too and was familiar with the script. Madeline said yes of course, and Helen said just tell the director that
you're here to fill in because Helen is out sick.
So Madeline gets to the theatre, goes backstage, and sees the director talking to someone,
but just as she's about to go up and introduce herself, she realizes she forgot her aspirin that morning.
Fortunately, she had it with her and swallowed it quickly. But the director turned at just that moment
and saw an unfamiliar person popping a pill backstage. The director approached Madeline and said excuse me,
I just have to ask who you are and what that pill was you just took. Caught off guard, madeline said:
"Oh hi! I'm Mad, as Hel! And I'm not going to take it anymore."
In the City of Animals, there's a Mr. Gibbon who owns a classic car, a historic vehicle. It's his pride and joy. He's generally a temperamental fellow, and whenever life gets him down, he can often be seen out in his driveway cleaning his car. When he's in really low spirits, one of the things he likes to do to feel better is to apply a layer of protective wax to the car's exterior.
One day, Mr. Gibbon is feeling particularly gloomy and he's out applying a wax coat. Ms. Reindeer and Ms. Gazelle happen to walk by, and Ms. Gazelle calls out to Mr. Gibbon, "It's such a nice day today!" To which Mr. Gibbon replies, "Thpbbbbbbb!"
The two ungulates continue on their way and, once out of earshot of the primate, Ms. Gazelle turns to Ms. Reindeer and says, "That was awfully rude of him, wasn't it?" Ms. Reindeer replies, "I wouldn't take it personally. It's just a waxing gibbon's mood."
A penguin is driving his sportscar, passing through a small town on a hot day, when it overheats. He pulls over to the side of the road and calls a tow truck. Once at the repair shop, the mechanic says, "My guys have a couple cars to finish up real quick, but then we'll take a look at yours. Prob'ly be ten minutes or so until we know what's wrong."
So the penguin decides to pass the time by going next door to the ice cream shop. He gets a cone with a scoop of vanilla and eats it, but because of the heat he gets ice cream all over his face. Just when he's returning to the auto shop, the mechanic comes over and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." And the penguin replies,
"Oh, no, it's just ice cream."
Monica Lewinsky brings her suit to the dry cleaners. "Make sure you get this stain out of this one," she says. The dry cleaner, who is hard of hearing, asks, "Come again?". Lewinsky says, "No, just mustard."
A man is walking down the sidewalk when he sees a food truck. On the side of the food truck is a sign that reads: "Cheese Sandwich $5, Chicken Sandwich $10, Hand Job $50". The man goes up to the attractive woman in the food truck and asks, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" She nods, so he says, "Then wash your damn hands! I want a cheese sandwich."
President Trump went for a walk in the forest. A tree said, "I regret that I have only one life to give for my country." The tree fell on the president.
A sailor walks into a bar in a port somewhere, far from home, and sees only one guy sitting there sipping a drink. Looking for some conversation, he sits next to the guy and says hello. The guy gives a dejected grunt, so the sailor asks what's wrong. The guy points out the window and says, "You see that fence out there? I built that fence. Spar by spar, and rail by rail. But when I walk down the street, does anyone say, 'There goes McFadden the fence builder?' No! They don't!" Then the guy points out another window. There is a beautiful bridge in the distance. He says to the sailor, "You see that bridge out there? I built that bridge. Brick by brick, stone by stone. But when I walk down the street, does anyone say, 'There goes McFadden, the bridge builder?' No! They dont!" He stops for a moment, and takes a disgusted swig from his beer. Then he says, "But you fuck one goat..."
A pig walks into a cafe and orders a lemonade. The clerk is amazed to see a talking pig, one that even pays for the order in cash, and gives the pig the lemonade. The pig drinks it all up and says, "Thank you, that was delicious. Is it okay if I use your restroom?" The still astonished clerk says "Sure! It's just down the hall to the right." The pig uses the restroom and leaves.
An hour later, a different pig walks in and orders a coffee. The clerk, having already been surprised by the earlier pig, wonders what's up with these talking animals all of a sudden and takes the payment and fills the order. The second pig drinks up all the coffee, thanks the clerk, and asks for the restroom. The clerk says, "Sure, it's down the hall and to the right." The second pig uses the restroom and then leaves.
A little while later, a third pig comes in, orders a glass of milk, pays, drinks the milk, and asks to use the restroom. The clerk answers, "Down the hall to the right." The third pig uses the restroom and leaves.
A few minutes later, a fourth pig comes in, orders a smoothie, pays, drinks the smoothie, and starts to ask for the restroom. The clerk, getting used to the routine, interrupts the pig and says, "Down the hall to the right." The fourth pig thanks the clerk, uses the restroom, and leaves.
No sooner has the fourth pig left than a fifth pig comes in, orders a can of seltzer, pays, drinks the seltzer, and then starts to leave. "Wait," the clerk calls out, "aren't you going to use the restroom? It's down the hall to the right." The pig says, "nah... I go wee-wee-wee all the way home."
An entitled bourgeoise woman walks into an ice cream shop. "I'll have one scoop of chocolate." The cashier says, "Sorry, Ma'am, but we're all out of chocolate." "Well then I guess I'll just have chocolate." "Sorry, but like I said, we're out of chocolate." "Okay well just give me chocolate then."
"Look," the frustrated clerk says, "do this for me. Spell VAN as in VANILLA." She spells V-A-N. "Okay now spell STRAW as in STRAWBERRY." She spells S-T-R-A-W. "Okay now spell FUCK as in CHOCOLATE." "Wait a minute," she says, "there IS no fuck in chocolate!"
"That's what I've been trying to tell you!"
A Californian, a Texan, and an Arizonan walk into a bar in Las Vegas and they all order drinks. The Californian finishes his martini and throws the glass against the far wall, breaking it. The startled bartender says "Hey!" and the Californian says, "In California sand is plentiful and glass is cheap, so we never have to drink from the same glass twice."
The Texan finishes his tequila and throws the glass against the far wall, breaking it. The bartender says "That's enough of that!" and the Texan says, "In Texas we're all rich from oil and we never have to drink from the same glass twice."
The Arizonan finishes his beer, then pulls out a revolver and shoots the Californian and the Texan. He tells the horrified bartender, "In Arizona we have so many Californians and Texans moving in, we never have to drink with the same ones twice."
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar and they all order beers. Three flies are buzzing around and one fly lands in each mug of beer. The Englishman pushes his mug away with an expression of disgust. The Irishman pulls the fly out, shrugs, and continues drinking. The Scotsman holds the fly over the beer and exclaims, "Spit it out ye bastard!"
A priest, rabbi and minister walk into a bar. The bartender comes up to take their order, stops and asks them "Hey, wait a minute! Is this some kind of joke?"
A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He asks, "Do you serve MAGA people here?" The bartender proudly answers, "Yes, we certainly do." So the guy says, "Good. I'll have a beer for me and a MAGA for my alligator."
A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He orders a beer and gulps it down. Then he orders another and gulps it down, then another, then another. He pays and gets up to leave, but the bartender stops him and points to the alligator on the floor and says, "You can't leave that lyin' there." The customer, drunk off his ass, says, "That's not a lion, that's an alligator."
A young couple are vacationing and staying in a luxury hotel. They decide to go for a swim in the hotel pool, and the woman keeps losing either the top half or bottom half of her swimsuit. But the pair have the pool all to themselves, so they don't worry too much about it.
Later they decide to go downstairs to the bar for some drinks. The man notices a very large aquarium over the bar, but it's just water - no fish or anything. He casually asks the bartender why they have such a nice big fishtank with no fish in it.
The bartender replies, "That's not a fishtank, that's the swimming pool."
A young couple is on their honeymoon and the groom owns a nice two story house. The bride's mother is spending the night downstairs on the couch to make sure everything is going well.
Upstairs in the bedroom, the groom takes off his shirt, revealing a hairy chest. The bride rushes downstairs exclaiming, "Mama, he's got a hairy chest!" To which the mother answers, "You go upstairs and that's your husband!"
So then the groom takes off his pants, revealing he has hairy legs. Once again, the bride goes running downstairs, "Mama, he's got hairy legs!" "You go upstairs and that's your husband!"
Then the groom takes off his socks, revealing he's missing three toes on his left foot. Again the bride runs downstairs. "Mama, he's got a foot and a half!" "You stay here, mama's going upstairs."
Two men are drinking in a bar. A woman comes in and sits down next to one of the men and orders a drink. The man mutters, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" She turns and says, "What?" and the guy says, clearly this time, "Particularly nasty weather." She finishes her drink and leaves. Another woman comes in and takes your place. The guy mutters the same thing again, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" She turns to him and smiles and nods enthusiastically, and they both go off someplace for a while.
The first man returns and the second man says, "How did you do that?" "Well, first I mutter 'tickle your ass with a feather,' and if they get offended I cover by saying, 'particularly nasty weather.' Otherwise, some girls are up for it."
Another woman comes in and sits down next to the second man. He decides to try the technique, only he's nervous and says "Stick your ass with a feather?" The woman turns to him and says, "Excuse me?!?", and he replies, flustered, "Oh, umm, sorry, umm, did you know it's fuckin' raining outside."
Two guys are drinking in a bar at the top of a high rise in New York City. One says to the other, "You see that window over there?" "If you jump out of it, there's an updraft that catches you and you'll land safely right back in the bar." "No way!", says the second guy, "I don't believe it." So the first guy demonstrates. The second guy can hardly believe his own eyes.
"It's a trick!", he says. "Nope, no trick," and the first guy does it again. And a third time. "Let me try that," says the second guy, and he jumps out and falls to his death.
The first guy goes back to the bar, grabs the second guy's unfinished beer, and drinks it. The bartender says, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."
A man calls his house and a little girl answers the phone.
"Hi, sweetheart, I have to talk to your Mommy."
"Sorry, Daddy. Mommy can't come to the phone right now."
"Why not?"
"Because she's in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
"She's with Uncle Frank?!? Tell your Mother that I'm two blocks away from the house!!"
She does and then there's a huge commotion of screaming, crashing, and finally silence.
"What the hell is going on over there," demands the man.
"Mommy ran naked out of the bedroom and tripped and fell down the stairs. I think she's dead," sobbed the little girl.
"She's DEAD? Well... what about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out the window and landed in the pool. He didn't know the pool has no water in it, Daddy. I think he's dead, too," she continued.
"Pool? What pool? Is this 925-4068?"
A woman goes to her lawyer and tells him she wants a divorce from her husband. "Do you have grounds?" the lawyer asks.
"No, we use instant coffee," she answers.
"Do you have a grudge?" the lawyer asks.
"No, we have a carport," she answers.
The lawyer is beginning to lose patience. "Does he beat you up?" he asks the woman.
She says, "No, we both get up at 6 a.m. sharp."
So the lawyer snaps, "Then why do you want a divorce from your husband?!?"
And she answers: "We just can't seem to communicate."
A lawyer calls up a physician as an expert witness in a trial. At stake is whether a specific person was truly deceased. The lawyer asks the doctor several times, sevral different ways, whether the doctor was sure the individual was dead, and the doctor responds affirmatively each time. The lawyer asks "But, how did you know the person was deceased? Did you check for a pulse? Did you look for vital signs?" Finally the doctor says, "I'll put it this way. His brain was in a jar on my desk. But you know what, now that you mention it, for all I know he could have been out practicing law somewhere."
A patient is in the hospital and has to take a dump. The patient rings the bell for the nurse but no one answers. The patient tries again and again but still no response. The patient really has to use the restroom so they take a dump on the sheet and throw the sheet out the window.
Along passes by a drunk guy walking home from the bar. The sheet falls on the guy and he panics. When he gets home, his wife says "Honey you smell terrible!" He replies, "You would too if you'd just beat the shit out of a ghost."
A man goes home to his wife, three sheets to the wind. She instantly exclaims that the front of his shirt is covered in puke. Thinking quickly, he hands her two $20 bills and says, "Yeah some guy had one too many and lost his lunch on my shirt. He gave me this $20 for the inconvenience." The wife asks what the other $20 is for. "He also took a shit in my pants."
A bartender steps outside for a quick smoke. He notices one of the customers stumbling and dazedly fumbling around looking at all the parked cars, as if trying to find the right one. There happens to be a cop nearby, so the bartender flags the cop down and points to the stumbling customer. The cop comes over to the customer and asks "Are you sure you're safe to drive," to which the customer says "I'm not too drive to drunk." So the cop asks, "Mind if I give you a breathalyzer," and produces the breathalyzer instrument. It reads a blood alcohol concentration of zero. "I don't get it," says the cop, "you're clearly drunk, but I'm getting a reading of zero." To which the customer replies, "I know. I'm the designated decoy."
A bartender steps outside for a quick smoke. He notices one of the customers stumbling and dazedly fumbling around all the parked cars, feeling the roof of each one. "Excuse me," calls out the bartender, "but are you sure you're safe to drive?" "Yep," the customer answers, "just gotta find which car is mine." "Why are you touching the roofs of all the cars?" "'Cuz mine has two blue lights on the top."
Four guys who are neighbors at the trailer park walk into a pet shop. The first three each pick out a bird to purchase, verifying with each other that they're the right kinds of bird. The fourth guy just says "I dunno about this." They make their purchases and then drive up a mountain and park by the edge of a cliff. The first guy takes his new bird, pulls out a gun (!), jumps off the cliff (!!), and shoots the bird on the way down! The fourth guy says, "I dunno if I wanna try this parrot shootin', it dun' look right to me."
Then the second guy does the same thing, jumps off the cliff and shoots his bird on the way down! The fourth guy says, "An' I don' wanna try none a that budgie jumpin' neither."
Then the third guy jumps off the cliff with his bird, shooting it on the way down! The fourth guy says, "Hen glidin'? Forget that!"
A magician gets a running gig doing illusions on a cruise liner. He goes out for the first show and notices a parrot in the audience right in the front row. He does his act and the audience is just amazed. He gets a standing ovation. The second night he comes out and sees the same the parrot in the front row. This time, however, the parrot has figured out his act the first night and starts giving away his secrets right before each big trick. "Its a trick door." Or "She's behind the curtain," etc. The magician bombs after that for night after night. The parrot just won't let up and the magician, despite his best efforts and pulling out his best tricks, just can't fool the parrot.
Finally, on the last night, the ship hits an iceberg and sinks. The parrot and the magician are left clinging to floating debris just staring at each other. They're like this for three days, waiting for rescue, eyes glaring, not a word said. Finally, on the fourth day, the parrot pipes up, "Alright, I give up. What'd you do with the damn boat?"
Two guys are stranded in a lifeboat in the open ocean. They decide to take inventory of their supplies, and one of them finds an old oil lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp with his sleeve to remove some of the tarnish, a genie pops out. "I will grant one wish," says the genie. The other guy blurts out, "I wish the sea were made of beer!" And *POOF* it becomes so, and the genie disappears.
After a moment, the first guy says, "Nice going, idiot... now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that the universe is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of it. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Elementary, my dear Watson," he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
A man is shopping for his mother, whose 80th birthday is coming up. He wants to get her something unique, but has no idea what, so he's wandering around the mall looking for inspiration. He sees a pet store and thinks hey, why not, and goes in. After a minute looking around the hamsters and the ferrets, an associate comes over and asks, "Can I help you find anything?"
"I'm looking for a gift for my mother, but I'm not sure what to get her. She's turning 80 in a few days." "Sure, I'll be glad to recommend something! Can you tell me a little about her?" "Well, she loves animals, lives alone, and she's a devout Christian." "I have the perfect pet for her," the associate says, and goes into a back room.
The associate comes back with a parrot in a cage. "This parrot is trained to recite Bible verses. You just tell him the name and number of the verse and he'll recite it." The man tries it out. "John, 3:16" and the parrot begins reciting "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son..." The man was amazed! He tried another. "Genesis, 1:1." The bird began, "In the beginning...". The sales associate said, "This is an expensive gift so I understand if you want something more in budget," but the customer said, "I'll take it. She's going to love this little guy!"
The man makes the purchase and, on his mother's 80th birthday, he brings the parrot and goes to visit her. His brothers and sisters are there, with their spouses and their kids, and their spouses and kids, and even a few great great grandkids, so it's a huge and noisy get together and he doesn't get a chance to tell her about the parrot. He leaves the cage on the coffee table and figures he'll call her later.
After the party, life stuff happens and he forgets to call. But he gets a letter from his mother in the mail. She writes, "It was wonderful to see you and everyone at the party! I am truly blessed to have all of you as my family. Oh, by the way, the chicken was delicious."
A middle aged woman starts a new job driving a school bus. The principal gives her the route and says, "You'll be driving the special ed bus, it's that one over there with Big Bird and Elmo painted on it." She heads out to pick up the students to take them to school.
At the first stop, two very overweight girls get on. One says, "Hi, my name's Patty," and the other one says "I am also named Patty." At the next stop, a somewhat disheveled boy gets on with his finger up his nose. "Hi, I'm Ross. Mommy says I'm special." At the third stop, a really slick looking boy in a leather jacket and hair gel gets on. "Yo! My name's Lester G!"
They continue on the way, however the driver notices that Lester G has taken off his shoes and is sporting a pair of fairly noticeable bunions, which he proceeds to pick at. Then they arrive at the school. At the end of the day, the new driver brings the kids home, then parks the bus at the school and goes in to talk to the principal.
"I can't do this job anymore. I quit." "What's wrong?" "What's wrong? You've got me delivering two obese Pattys, special Ross, Lester G picking bunions, on a Sesame Street bus!"
A young woman goes to her doctor to ask about breast enlargement options. She doesn't want to take hormones or undergo surgery, but her doctor does have one suggestion. "Every morning when you get up, hold your breasts in your hands and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.'" So she tries it, and after a few weeks, to her delight, it works!
One morning she realizes she has forgotten to do her morning ritual! Not wanting to lose her progress so far, she stands up on the bus and says, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies." A man sitting across the aisle asks, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" She says, "Why yes, how did you know?" "Hickory dickory dock..."
A man is brought to court before the judge, accused of indecent conduct. The plaintiff, a very visibly pregnant woman, gives her testimony that she got on a bus and took a seat, at which the defendant chuckled. She got up and moved to another seat, only to find him even more amused. She moved again and the defendant burst out laughing.
When the defendant took the stand, he explained, "At first she sat under an advertizement that read, 'The Gold Dust Twins are coming!', and I thought that was mildly funny. Then, when she got up, she sat under another ad that read, 'Johnson's Big Stick did the trick.', and I could barely contain myself. But then, she moved again, and sat under an ad that read, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident.' and I just lost it." The judge replied, "Case dismissed!"
Two recently immigrated men are riding a bus. Across from them is a proper older lady and a police officer. One of the immigrant men says to the other, "Emma come-a first, then I come-a. Then two ass-a come-a together, then I come-a. Then two ass-a come-a together again, then I come-a again. Pee-pee twice, then I come-a for the last time." The lady turns to the police officer and says, "Officer! Arrest that man!" "On what charges? For spelling Mississippi?"
A young woman has just gotten out of the shower and is getting dressed. In her bedroom, on the back of the door, is a full length mirror. On a whim, she proclaims, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my tits a 44." To her delight, it instantly comes true! What joy! She and her husband had talked about possibly getting an augmentation, but now here their wish had come true by magic!
When her husband comes home, he notices the change right away. She excitedly tells him, "Honey you have to come upstairs. You know that mirror in our bedroom? Well today I told it 'Mirror, mirror on the door, make my tits a 44,' and it worked! It's magic, I swear!" He's skeptical and says "Let me try that." They get up to the bedroom and he says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my dick touch the floor."
His legs fall off.
A young woman is riding a bus and positively beaming. She turns to the man next to her and says, "I'm so sorry, but I've just got the best news and I have to tell somebody or I will burst. My husband and I have been trying to conceive a baby for a long time, and just this morning my doctor told me I'm pregnant."
The man says, "Hey that's great news! I'm so happy for you. I have great news too, I raise chickens and I have this one hen I'm trying to breed. She lays plenty of eggs, but none of them would hatch. But yesterday I found seven new chicks in her brood."
The woman says, "I'm so glad your hen's eggs are hatching now! I bet the new baby chicks must be so adorable." The man says, "They are. But just between you and me, I switched cocks." To which she replies, "Just between you and me, so did I."
A man is going out of town for a week and he wants to give his wife something to keep her pleasured while he's away. He thinks about a blow up doll, but that's too much like another man for his peace of mind. He's at the adult store looking over the dildos when the shopkeeper asks him if he would like any help. "I'm going out of town next week," the man says, "and I want to give my wife something that will keep her satisfied while I'm away." "I have just the thing," said the shopkeeper, "follow me."
They go into a back room and there's an antique looking wooden box with intricate carvings all over it. The shopkeeper opens the box, revealing an ordinary looking wooden dildo. "Big deal," the customer says, "it looks like every other dildo in this shop." The shopkeeper calls out, "Magic Penis, the door!" To the customer's amazement, the wooden dildo jumps out of its box, hovers in midair for a split second, makes a beeline for the door, and begins hammering the keyhole in the doorknob. After a moment, the shopkeeper calls out, "Magic Penis, return to box!" The dildo stops, turns around, flies back into its box, and automatically closes the lid.
The customer is amazed. "I'll take it!" He purchases the dildo and brings it home. "Honey! I got you the most amazing thing! It's called a Magic Penis, and the way you use it is you say Magic Penis my crotch and it will fly out of the box and do its thing. The shopkeeper showed me using the keyhole of the door as an example."
A couple days later, the man leaves for his trip. His wife is lonely at home and suddenly remembers the dildo. She opens the box and calls, "Magic Penis, my crotch!" The dildo flies out of the box and starts doing what it does. She is amazed by how effective it is, producing one mind blowing orgasm after another. But then she's done and tries to pull it out, but it won't budge! Her husband hadn't explained how to put it away!
So she decides to drive to the hospital in hopes that they can do something there. Along the way, she swerves due to yet another intense orgasm. A cop pulls her over, and she says "I swear, Officer, it's this Magic Penis thing! I can't stop it from thrusting and I can't get it out!" The cop says, "Yeah right. Magic Penis, my ass."
A woman is in a drugstore and asks a sales associate where the AA batteries are. The sales associate says, "Sure! Can you come this way?", repeatedly bending an outstretched finger. "If I could come that way," the woman replies, "I wouldn't be looking for batteries!"
Two nuns are riding bikes through the town. One says, "I've never come this way before." The other nun says, "Must be the cobblestone."
A man is having his 90th birthday party and his friends arrange a surprise for him. A beautiful woman shows up at his door and says, "I've come to give you super sex!" He thinks for a minute and says, "I'll take the soup."
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "sorry we don't serve string." So the string walks out, ties itself up, grinds parts of itself against the concrere sidewalk, then walks back in bar and orders a beer. The bartender says says, "I told you we don't serve string." The string replies, "But I'm not string." The bartender says, "You can't fool me, you're the same string who was just in here a moment ago." The string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
There's these three guys named Idunno, Shaddup, and Trouble. They're driving in a pickup truck and Trouble is being stupid hanging out the window and falls out. A little later, a cop pulls them over. The cop says to the driver, "What's your name?" "Idunno." "I said what's your NAME?" "Idunno." So the cop goes around to the passenger side and asks the passenger, "What's your name?" "Shaddup." The cop asks, "Are you boys lookin' for trouble?" "No, he fell out the window about 10 miles ago."
Late at night, a cop pulls over a pickup truck for speeding. The cop asks the driver, a really filthy looking man, if he knows he was doing 64mph in a 35 zone. "No, officer, I was doin' the speed limit." His wife, in the passenger seat, says, "That's not true, Officer, he was speeding." The driver tells her, "You shut your mouth!" The cop then points out that the driver also has a tail light out. "No sir, I always keep my tail lights workin' fine." "That's not true, Officer, the tail light has been out for months." "I thought I told you to shut up!" The cop goes around the passenger's side and asks, "Ma'am, does he always talk to you like this?" "No, Officer, only when he's drunk."
On the first day of school, the teacher asks every student their name. One student replies, "Asshole." The teacher says, "No, we don't use that kind of language at school. Now tell me your name." "I told you, my name is Asshole." The teacher says, "I'm calling your parents. This behavior is unacceptable." The kid turns to his brother and says, "Let's go home, Shithead, she ain't gonna believe you either."
A boy of about 8 decides that it's high time he and his brother, aged 3, start swearing. He tells his brother, "When we go get breakfast, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'," and the younger child enthusiastically agrees. They go to the dining room and their mother asks them what they want to eat. "Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios." WHACK! comes the startled mother's open handed reply, and the 8 year old retreats crying into his room. She turns to the 3 year old and says, sternly, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?". "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."
A teacher is teaching her kindergarten class the names of flavors. She gives them each a red Lifesaver candy and asks if anyone can name the flavor. One student said "cherry" and she replied "that's correct." Then she gave each student a green Lifesaver and one child said "lime" and she said that's correct. Then she passed out some Lifesavers that were a golden amber color, honey flavored, and asked if anyone knew the name of this flavor. Not a hand went up. Finally, she said, "I'll give you a clue, this is something your mommy and daddy probably call each other all the time." Little Jimmy quickly stood up and said: "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"
Once upon a time there was a guy who really enjoyed card games. He learned how to play every single game and he'd play them with friends, relatives, acquaintances, strangers, anyone he could convince. After many years he began to grow tired of playing the same games over and over, so he decided to create a new one.
Once he was sure what the rules and object of gameplay would be, he began to introduce it to everyone he knew, but everyone told him the same thing. They didn't like the name of the new game. For some reason, he had very bizarrely named it "pissy fist". And, understandably, no one wanted to play a game called "pissy fist".
So he took some time to think about how to solve this predicament. He knew he'd have to change the name, but to what? It was so hard to come up with a better sounding name. He tossed so many ideas around in his head, even bounced one or two off his friends, but nothing sounded catchy enough. He was almost ready to give up and resign "pissy fist" to oblivion. Then one day, it dawned on him exactly what his card game should be called:
Pee knuckle.
There are three squires, one sitting on a cow hide, one sitting on a boar hide, and one sitting on a hippopotamus hide.
The first squire owns a house on a 50 acre lot.
The second squire owns a race horse worth $100,000.
The third squire owns both a house on a 50 acre lot, and a race horse worth $100,000.
So the squire on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squires on the other two hides.
A man comes home early from work to find his wife in bed half naked looking like she's just been satisfied. In the closet, he finds a naked man standing. "What are you doing here?", the first man asks. "I'm waiting for the bus," the second man replies. "That's a stupid answer." "That's a stupid question."
A man comes home early from work to find his wife in bed half naked looking like she's just been satisfied. In the closet, he finds a naked man standing. "What are you doing here?", the first man asks. "I'm the exterminator here to spray for moths," the second man replies. "Where are your clothes," the first man asks. The second man looks down sheepishly and says, "Those little bastards."
An American soldier is headed home after a lengthy tour on the front lines of a major war. He gets on a bus in London and looks for a vacant seat. All the seats are taken, however one proper older lady has her lap dog on the seat next to her. "Excuse me," the soldier asks, "but can I sit there?" "Of course you may not," she replies, "can't you see my Princess is sitting there?"
So the man walks up and down the bus desperately looking for one empty seat. He returns to the old lady and her dog. "I'm really sorry, ma'am, but I really do have to sit down. I've just been on the front lines and I'm going home, and I could really use a little rest." "You Americans are so rude! I cannot believe that you think you can take the seat of my Princess!"
At this point, the soldier has had enough, so he reaches over, opens the window, picks up the dog, throws the dog out of the bus, and sits down. The lady screams, "MY POOR PRINCESS!", and begins sobbing inconsolably.
An older gentleman across the aisle says, "Young man, I'm not sure if the lady is right about Americans being rude. But I do know that you do everything backwards! You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork in the wrong hand, and now you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
A man is walking past a graveyard at night, when he hears some classical music. However, there's something strange about the way it sounds, so he goes to investigate. He finds out that the source of the music is Beethoven's grave, and he sudenly recognizes the piece as Beethoven's Fifth Symphony played backwards!
He rishes to his friend's house and says, "I just heard the most amazing thing! You gotta come hear this!" They get to the graveyard and they hear Beethoven's Third Symphony playing backwards. "Do you hear that," the first man asks, "it's Beethoven's Third playing backwards! And it's coming from Beethoven's grave right here!"
"Of course," the friend replies. "He's decomposing."
Jesus and Moses are out playing a round of golf when they come to a long water hole. Jesus contemplates the distance and pulls out his driver. Moses says, “What are you doing? You can’t carry the water from here! Lay up.”
Jesus replies, “I saw Tiger Woods play this hole one time, and he cleared the water. If he can do it certainly I can do it!” And with that he takes his swing and knocks the ball clean to the middle of the lake. Moses sighs, walks to the lake, parts the water, retrieves the ball and returns it to Jesus.
“I told you that you couldn’t clear the water, so lay up. I’m NOT getting your ball for you again!” Moses says crossly.
Jesus replies, “I saw Tiger Woods clear the water from here and he is a mere mortal! I can do this!” And with that he takes his swing and plunks the ball right in the water again. He looks at Moses, who just shakes his head. So Jesus heads out to the lake.
While Jesus is walking on the water looking for his ball the next foursome arrives at the hole. One of the guys looks out and says, “Look at that guy walking on the water! Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?”
Moses answers, “No, he IS Jesus Christ, but he THINKS he’s Tiger Woods!”
Three men die at almost the same time and find themselves at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells them that heaven is getting full and they're only accepting those who've suffered particularly horrible deaths. St. Peter asks each of the three men how they died.
The first man steps up, out of earshot of the others, and says, “I live on the 25th floor of a high rise condo. I’ve suspected for a while now that my wife is cheating on me. Today I came home early from work and found my wife was in the shower, so I looked around the place for the guy, but couldn’t find anyone or any sign that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony. I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn’t fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn’t kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refrigerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. I feel really horrible about what I've done. And from the stress of it all I collapsed from a heart attack.”
St. Peter agreed that is really bad, and said, okay, you can enter.
The second man steps up and says, “I live on the 26th floor of a high rise condo. I was hanging up some laundry to dry, when a gust of wind grabbed a large sheet from my hands and I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I caught the balcony below me. I tried to pull myself up when this maniac came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he only got crazier. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, but I landed in some bushes, so I thought I was safe. But just as I'm about to get up I see a refrigerator falling down on top of me.”
St. Peter agreed that was even worse than the first guy, and lets him in.
Then the third man says, “Picture this. I’m hiding, naked, inside a refrigerator...”
Three people die at the same time in a freak accident and find themselves at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells them it's not their time yet, and offers to send each one back as any animal of their choice. He says, "just jump off that cloud over there and yell your selection on the way down." The first person jumps and yells "Courageous lion!" The second person jumps and yells "Majestic eagle!" The third person stubs their toe and falls off, exclaiming "Shit!"
A set of identical twins dies at the same time and they both stand before the pearly gates. St. Peter says "I see you two have been inseparable all your lives. That's great, and you've both done many benevolent and altruistic acts together, but the problem is you've both also done some really horrible things. I'll have to confer with my superiors." So St. Peter goes into heaven for a moment, and the twins can hear a muffled conversation, the voices getting slightly animated before one voice settles down into a resigned tone. Eventually, St. Peter reemerges and informs the twins that one of them will be chosen at random to enter heaven and the other will be sent to spend eternity in hell.
After a billion years, and more than a little pleading, the twin in heaven is allowed to visit their sibling in hell. The two are instantly struck by each other's drastically different appearances: the heaven twin looking all pure in an immaculate white robe, while the hell twin looks like a total badass boasting tattoos, piercings, and a punk haircut. The heaven twin asks how bad the torment is and the hell twin says "It was agony at first, but you get used to it. How are things in heaven?" "Oh, pretty boring, honestly. Most of the time I'm just sitting on a cloud playing a harp." There's an awkward silence and then the heaven twin says, "I'm sorry you didn't get to go to heaven with me." And the twin in hell replies, "No worries, I kind of like it down here." The heaven twin exclaims in surprise, and the hell twin says, "You know all the stuff the world religions don't like? This is where it ends up. We got all the sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll, baby!"
An angel is wandering through a park filled with lovely statuary. He comes upon a sculpted couple, a man and woman in loving embrace, and sees that there are many appreciative viewers passing by throughout the day. When no one living is around, he touches the statue, turning them both into live people, and tells them, "Because you bring so much pleasure to those who view you, I'm granting you two hours of humanity. Use this time as you wish." Casting knowing looks at one another, the two join hands and rush off into the shrubbery, where laughter and squealing is heard. Returning after an hour, the angel advises them that they still have an hour left. They look at one another and the woman says, "Let's do that again, only this time you hold the pigeons, and I'll shit on their heads."
A bus full of nuns is on a bridge and it collapses, leaving no survivors. The nuns form a line the pearly gates and there's a big vat of water. St. Peter asks the first nun, "Before I let you into the Kingdom of Heaven, have you ever touched a penis?" To which the nun replies, "Just once, with the tip of my finger." "Say five Hail Marys and dip your finger in the holy water." She does and St. Peter lets her into heaven. Then he begins to ask the next nun the same question, when suddenly there's a commotion further down the line. "What seems to be the problem," asks St. Peter. "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff," says the nun trying to cut ahead in line, "I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."
The Pope dies and goes to heaven. He is informed that they have an extensive collection of archives up there, including all the scripture ever written for all the world's religions. He asks if it would be possible to peruse this archive at length, so he's led deep into a cellar and shown how to use the index as a place to start.
Several decades go by and no one has seen him since, so an angel goes down into the cellar to check in on the Pope. The angel finds the Pope sobbing, his face in his hands, rocking back and forth in a chair, crying "there's an R, there's an R" over and over again. The angel asks what's wrong and the Pope looks up, despair written all over his tear-streamed face, and replies, "Back on Earth, we've been missing the R for millennia."
"It's CELEBRATE. Not celibate!"
A bishop is walking through a rose garden when a beautiful young woman walks by. Overcome with the urge, he hurriedly goes to a secluded area to take care of some personal business. As he's finishing, he hears a camera shutter click. Not wanting to be exposed for his misbehavior, the bishop approaches the photographer and offers $100 for the camera. The photographer says sorry, this camera is worth more than twice that. So the bishop offers $1,000, but the photographer says the photos in it are for a contest and the prize is five times that. Finally, the bishop offers to pay $10,000 for the camera, which the photographer accepts.
A nun sees the bishop with his new camera and comments how nice the camera is. The bishop tells the nun how much it cost him. The nun said,
"Ten thousand dollars????? Someone must have seen you coming."
A preacher is out on the lake one day fishing with a buddy of his. The preacher catches a large fish, and the buddy says "whoa, look at the size of that sonofabitch!" The preacher says can you please watch your language. The guy, thinking quickly, says, "Oh I'm sorry... but that's what this kind of fish is called, a sonofabitch."
The preacher takes the fish to the church and asks the priest, "Can you clean this sonofabitch? We can have it for dinner tonight." The priest says, "Do you mind, this is a house of worship!" The preacher says, "But that's what this kind of fish is called, a sonofabitch." So the priest says, "Okay, I'll clean the sonofabitch."
Then he takes it to the Head Mother and asks, "Could you cook this sonofabitch?" The Head Mother says, "My word, such language!" "But that's what this kind of fish is called, a sonofabitch." So she says, "Then yes, I'll cook the sonofabitch."
That evening the Pope is visiting to have dinner at the church. He comments that the fish tastes really good. The preacher says, "I caught the sonofabitch." The priest says, "I cleaned the sonofabitch." And the Head Mother says, "And I cooked the sonofabitch." The Pope gives everyone a steely gaze, leans back in his seat, takes off his hat, and says "You know what," setting his feet on the table, "You fuckers are alright."
Father O'Leary is doing confession one Sunday when he realizes he has to pee. He peeks his head out of the confessional and sees a group of altar boys sitting in the pews, so he calls out for one and asks the little boy to take his place while he goes to the bathroom. "Whenever they enter, allow them to confess, and using this list, give them the appropriate repentance." There's a list posted on his side of the confessional. "For theft, 6 hail-marys. For murder, 12 hail-marys and an hour of silent prayer, and so on, ya got it?" The boy nods and proceeds to wait.
Along comes a lady who enters the confessional and begins "Father, it's been 2 weeks since my last confession." The boy, in a low, manly voice responds "Yes, go on my child." She continues to tell him that she gave a blowjob to a man who was not her husband. The boy scans the list saying to himself "Blowjob, blowjob, where's the friggin blowjob". Well there's no listing for blowjob, so he looks out and asks Tony, another altar boy. "Hey Tony, what does Father O'Leary give for a blowjob?"
Tony goes, "A handful of Gummi Bears and a Snickers bar."
A drunk guy wanders into a Catholic church and manages to stumble into the confessional. The priest hears the man on the other side and waits for a moment. Finally he says: "My I help you, my son?" The drunk replies. "Yeah, you got any paper in your stall?"
Three dogs were sitting in a kennel, talking about what they had waiting for them. The first dog says, "My master bought these brand new leather shoes. They just looked so tasty I chewed them up while he was away at work. So he sent me here to be put to sleep." The second dog says, "I took a dump on my master's antique rug while he was away at work, and he sent me here to be put to sleep too." The third dog looked up and said, "My master was at work too, and his wife came out from the shower naked, and she got down on her hands and knees to pick up a mess I had made on her floor, and I mounted her." The other two dogs were in complete shock. "Wow," they said, "So you're here to be put to sleep too?" "No I'm just here to get my claws clipped."
(For this joke, you're supposed to ask the person you're telling it to to name three people they dislike.)
Person #1, Person #2, and Person #3 are walking down a path in the countryside. They come to a bridge, but there's a troll. The troll tells them, "Before you can cross this bridge, your dicks must add up to at least 21 inches," and pulls out a tape measure.
Person #1 goes first. He unzips his pants, whips it out, and the troll measures it. "10 inches."
Person #2 goes next. He unzips his pants, whips it out, and the troll measures it. "10 inches."
Then it's time for Person #3. The troll measures #3's dick and says, "Half an inch." The other two people manage to scrounge up the extra half inch between them, and the troll lets them pass.
Person #3 speaks up, "Good thing I had a hard-on."
A guy has a dog who starts moaning and crying and acting crazy for a day or two, then the guy finds the dog passed out. So he takes it to the vet. The vet says “I’m sorry, your dog is dead.” The guy says “I want a second opinion.”
The vet goes into the back and returns with a ginger colored cat, who walks around the dog, sniffing, and then looks up at the vet and meows. The vet says “The cat says the same thing, your dog is dead.”
The guy says “But that’s a cat! I want a dog’s opinion.”
The vet goes into the back and returns with a black Labador Retriever, who smells around the dog for a minute, then looks up at the vet and whimpers. The vet tells the guy, “Even the dog says your dog is dead.”
The guy starts crying and asks “How much to I owe you?”
The vet says “That'll be $650.”
The guy says “What? $650 just to tell me my dog is dead?”
To which the vet replies, “It’s only $50 to tell you your dog is dead. The extra $600 is because I did a cat scan and a lab test.”
A couple is on their honeymoon and it's time to consummate. But the guy gets nervous and can't get it up, so he grabs a pickle and uses that. Eight years later, they're doing the act and she notices the pickle. "You mean to tell me all this time you've been using a pickle?" "Shut up! It's been eight years and I never once asked where the hell all those damn kids came from."
An elderly couple are sitting on their front porch. The husband asks, "Honey, there's something I've been wondering about for a long time." "What is it, dear?" "I've noticed that one of our sons doesn't look like our other children. By any chance does Bobby have a different father?" The wife is silent for a moment and then admits, "Yes, actually, Bobby does have a different father from our other kids." The husband is silent for a minute or two, then asks, "Well, if I may ask, who is Bobby's father?" After some tense hesitation, the wife answers, "You."
A businessman is walking down the sidewalk when he sees a mysterious ladder. Thinking what the hell, he climbs it.
He gets to a platform where a really unattractive woman says, "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success." Figuring that's a no-brainer, he keeps climbing. He gets to the next platform and sees an average-looking woman who says, "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success." Still finding it an easy decision, he keeps climbing. Then he gets to the most gorgeous woman, who tells him the same thing, "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success." Now this is a real head scratcher - does he accept her offer or choose prosperity? After a moment, he decides to keep climbing. On the top platform, there's a really ugly, smelly, hairy, obese man, wearing only a diaper, surrounded by trash, flies buzzing everywhere, and the businessman is thoroughly repulsed. He asks, "Who are you?" and the repulsive guy answers,
"Hi, I'm Cess!"
A successful buisnessman and family man is being troubled by excruciating headaches. It starts to affect his job performance and causes him stress at home. Even his boss tells him he will be fired if things don't improve.
He decides goes to a doctor, who tells him, "I have bad news, unfortunately it's your penis that's causing your headaches, and we'll have to remove it to cure you." Understandibly, the guy is shocked to hear this. He gets a second opinion, and the second doctor says the same thing, so he gets a third opinion, who also says the same thing. "This is ridiculous," he says, "I'm not gonna do it", and he goes back to work.
His performance keeps spiraling and his boss lets him go. Soon afterward, his home life dissolves as he becomes unable to function with the incredible amounts of pain that he's in. His wife can't take it anymore, so she leaves and takes the kids to her mother's place to live. With nothing left to lose, he decides to just have the operation already.
Immediately following the operation he feels better, no more headaches, nothing. His wife informs him she'll come back to him when he gets a new job. So he sends out some applications and gets a few interviews scheduled. He decides that it would make him feel better to buy a new suit for the interviews, so he goes to a tailor.
The tailor measures him for a coat then for his trousers, then asks, "I'm almost ready, there's just one more thing. What side do you wear 'it' on?" "Wear 'it'?" replies the man. "Yes, you know, uhh, on what side do you 'hang'?" The man looks a little embarassed and explains that he had "it" removed in an operation. "No problem." responds the tailor, "I can make it look like you never had that operation, just tell me what side you used to hang it on, the left or the right?" With this the man answered, "Well neither, I used to hang it right in the middle."
The tailor says, "Oh I see. Didn't that give you headaches?"
Mahatma Gandhi was known for walking hundreds of miles barefoot. Over time, he developed incredibly thick calluses on his feet, stronger than the soles of many boots. He also ate lightly and fasted often, which left him frail and gave him chronically bad breath. And do you know what this made him? A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Cultural Differences Explained
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Brits when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when
abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to
your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to
the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be
bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the
anthem.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to
Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and
basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey,
hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Brits in every
sport they play them in.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English."
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English."
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day," "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in
an attempt to get laid.
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in
a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in
a backwards country.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are
inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall...
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.
When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
then you'll have to flash the BIOS and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
Q. How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A. Unique up on it.
Q. How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A. The tame way.
Q. What do you call a chicken's ghost?
A. A poultrygheist.
Q. President Trump, Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, and Mark Zuckerberg are on a boat and it's sinking. Who gets saved?
A. America.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a carp?
A. One is a bottom feeding, scum sucking predator... and the other's a fish.
Q. What's the difference between a drummer and a pizza?
A. A pizza can feed a family of four.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Horsp.
Horsp who?
Eww!
There was a young girl named Anna
Who slipped on a rotten banana
Although quite demure
She then cussed for sure
As she slid all the way to Havana.
There was a young man from Darjeeling
Who got on a train to Teeling.
The sign on the door
Said "Don't spit on the floor"
So he stood up and spat on the ceiling
There was a young poet from Milan
Whose limericks never quite ran
A friend of his
Asked why this is
He said it's simply because I always try to cram as many syllables into the last line as I possibly concerivably can.
There once was a lady from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
In less than an hour
Her nose was in flower
And here head was covered in weeds.
There once was a pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
There once was a sailor named Cass
Who had two balls made of brass
And when they banged together
They played Stormy Weather
And lightning shot out his ass.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept his money in a bucket.
When his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket!