WARNING: violence, risqué language and themes.

Three construction workers are sitting on a girder, high above the city, taking their lunch break. The first guy unwraps his sandwich and says, "Ham and Swiss again??? I'm sick of ham and Swiss. It's been ham and Swiss every day for the past month. If it's ham and Swiss again tomorrow I'm going to jump." The second guy unwraps his sandwich and says, "BLT again??? I'm sick of BLT. It's been BLT every day for the past two months. If it's BLT again tomorrow I'm going to jump." The third guy unwraps his sandwich and says, "PB&J again??? I'm sick of PB&J. It's been PB&J every day for the past week. If it's PB&J again tomorrow I'm going to jump."

The next day, the first man unwraps his sandwich and it's ham and Swiss so he jumps. The second man unwraps his sandwich and it's BLT so he jumps. The third man unwraps his sandwich and it's PB&J so he jumps.

At the funeral, the wife of the third guy says, "don't look at me, he makes his own lunch."

A Republican, a Democrat, and an Independent are driving along a country road late at night when their car breaks down. They see a farmhouse and knock on the door but there's no answer. They decide to sleep in a nearby barn and go look for help in the morning. On their way in someone knocks over a big metal bucket and it makes a ruckus. Hearing the noise, the farmer comes over to investigate, shotgun in hand. The three travelers panic and hide inside some burlap sacks.

The farmer kicks the sack with the Democrat inside who says "meow" and the farmer says "oh it's just a cat." He kicks the sack with the Independent who says "ruff ruff" and the farmer says "oh it's just a dog." Then he kicks the sack with the Republican inside and the Republican says "potatoes."

But the farmer is also a Republican and he says, "that's funny... I don't remember growing potatoes this year."

A fresh-faced country boy of about 19 was in the city for the very first time, and had to hitchhike back home. A guy in a Corvette stops to pick him up. The hitchhiker says where he wants to go and the driver says I can get you most of the way there. It's a hot day, so the driver has the A/C blasting. They get on the freeway and they're going about 65 mph. The country boy has never ridden that fast, so he comments "we sure are going fast". The driver says, "the faster you go the cooler it gets." Then they're exiting the city and doing about 75 mph. The country boy says "wow we really are going fast." The driver says, "the faster you go the cooler it gets." After a while, the driver wants to show off what his fancy car can do, so he pushes it all the way up to 90 mph. The country boy says "now we're really really going fast." "The faster you go, the cooler it gets."

Finally they get to a fork in the road and the driver pulls over. He says, "I'm headed that way which is in the wrong direction for where you want to be. But if you get on that horse over there, it should be able to take you the rest of the way." The country boy thanks the driver and hands him a $20, then gets on the horse. He pushes the horse faster and faster and faster, because "the faster you go, the cooler it gets." Suddenly, the horse stops, lays down on the ground, and passes out dead from exhaustion.

The country boy kicks the horse and says, "ahp - froze to death."

There was this young actress named Helen, she went by Hel for short, and she was set to perform in a production by the local theatre in which she would be playing the role of herself. Her older sister Madeline, or Mad for short, a mother of three, helped Helen out with memorizing the lines and, since Madeline also had some acting experience, she was able to give pointers on delivery and posture and things like that. They spent a lot of time going over the script together until they both knew it really well.

However, all this effort on top of Madeline's day job and taking care of her kids caused her to suffer some minor health effects from stress, so her doctor advised that she go on a low dose of aspirin for a few weeks, just until after the play.

Then on the day of the performance, Helen was sick and had to stay home. She called Madeline and asked if she'd be willing to fill in, since Madeline could act too and was familiar with the script. Madeline said yes of course, and Helen said just tell the director that you're here to fill in because Helen is out sick.

So Madeline gets to the theatre, goes backstage, and sees the director talking to someone, but just as she's about to go up and introduce herself, she realizes she forgot her aspirin that morning. Fortunately, she had it with her and swallowed it quickly. But the director turned at just that moment and saw an unfamiliar person popping a pill backstage. The director approached Madeline and said excuse me, I just have to ask who you are and what that pill was you just took. Caught off guard, madeline said:

"Oh hi! I'm Mad, as Hel! And I'm not going to take it anymore."

A pig walks into a cafe and orders a lemonade. The clerk is amazed to see a talking pig, one that even pays for the order in cash, and gives the pig the lemonade. The pig drinks it all up and says, "Thank you, that was delicious. Is it okay if I use your restroom?" The still astonished clerk says "Sure! It's just down the hall to the right." The pig uses the restroom and leaves.

An hour later, a different pig walks in and orders a coffee. The clerk, having already been surprised by the earlier pig, wonders what's up with these talking animals all of a sudden and takes the payment and fills the order. The second pig drinks up all the coffee, thanks the clerk, and asks for the restroom. The clerk says, "Sure, it's down the hall and to the right." The second pig uses the restroom and then leaves.

A little while later, a third pig comes in, orders a glass of milk, pays, drinks the milk, and asks to use the restroom. The clerk answers, "Down the hall to the right." The third pig uses the restroom and leaves.

A few minutes later, a fourth pig comes in, orders a smoothie, pays, drinks the smoothie, and starts to ask for the restroom. The clerk, getting used to the routine, interrupts the pig and says, "Down the hall to the right." The fourth pig uses the restroom and leaves.

No sooner has the fourth pig left than a fifth pig comes in, orders a can of seltzer, pays, drinks the seltzer, and then starts to leave. "Wait," the clerk calls out, "aren't you going to use the restroom? It's down the hall to the right." The pig says, "nah... I go wee-wee-wee all the way home."

A Californian, a Texan, and an Arizonan walk into a bar in Las Vegas and they all order drinks. The Californian finishes his martini and throws the glass against the far wall, breaking it. The startled bartender says "Hey!" and the Californian says, "In California sand is plentiful and glass is cheap, so we never have to drink from the same glass twice."

The Texan finishes his tequila and throws the glass against the far wall, breaking it. The bartender says "That's enough of that!" and the Texan says, "In Texas we're all rich from oil and we never have to drink from the same glass twice."

The Arizonan finishes his beer, then pulls out a revolver and shoots the Californian and the Texan. He tells the horrified bartender, "In Arizona we have so many Californians and Texans moving in, we never have to drink with the same ones twice."

Four guys who are neighbors at the trailer park walk into a pet shop. The first three each pick out a bird to purchase, verifying with each other that they're the right kinds of bird. The fourth guy just says "I dunno about this." They make their purchases and then drive up a mountain and park by the edge of a cliff. The first guy takes his new bird, pulls out a gun (!), jumps off the cliff (!!), and shoots the bird on the way down! The fourth guy says, "I dunno if I wanna try this parrot shootin', it dun' look right to me."

Then the second guy does the same thing, jumps off the cliff and shoots his bird on the way down! The fourth guy says, "An' I don' wanna try none a that budgie jumpin' neither."

Then the third guy jumps off the cliff with his bird, shooting it on the way down! The fourth guy says, "Hen glidin'? Forget that!"

Q. What do you call a chicken's ghost?
A. A poultrygheist.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Horsp.
Horsp who?
Eww!

There was a young girl named Anna
Who slipped on a rotten banana
Although quite demure
She then cussed for sure
As she slid all the way to Havana.

There was a young man from Darjeeling
Who got on a train to Teeling.
The sign on the door
Said "Don't spit on the floor"
So he stood up and spat on the ceiling

There was a young poet from Milan
Whose limericks never quite ran
A friend of his
Asked why this is
He said it's simply because I always try to cram as many syllables into the last line as I possibly concerivably can.

There once was a lady from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
In less than an hour
Her nose was in flower
And here head was covered in weeds.

There once was a pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.

There once was a sailor named Cass
Who had two balls made of brass
And when they banged together
They played Stormy Weather
And lightning shot out his ass.